Where Addiction Has Taken Me..

Some pretty seedy places I assure you..

We are only going to diverge into that heinous past for a moment readers; fear not this ain’t one of them kinda post.

So the main thing to take from this is “addiction” lead me to recovery. No matter how many brawls or restless endless nights it may have also taken me through.

Yet begins another chapter sponsored by my addiction. Recently I came at a crossroads and had to face the hard truth that my addiction had become unmanageable again. If anything it had regress to ALMOST the height of it all. Thankful for all the tools I picked up in IOP and various NA meetings I was able to see the too familiar path I was on and was humble enough I ask for help.

If I may speak to a fellow struggling addict in recovery; it does get better. In active addiction we give away so many things. Our respect,money, freedom and sometimes even our lives. The best part of recovery is it gets better every day from day one. Through the pain and the suffering the perseverance pays off. The abstinence is worth it. Just keep doing the next best thing. The next right thing. Addiction brings us all so low, in recovery there’s no place left to go but up.

-K

10/29/2020..

Title is when blog was actually written..

So it’s 2 days before all hallows eve and believe it or not but this blog is coming out of thin air. The last almost 2 months worth of blogs were prewritten quite some time ago. A little at a time and then all at once and then nothing.

Hindsight is still 20/20, check. Looking back now I can see how I manifest so many things in my blog without intentionally meaning to. No need to get into detail because as far as the regular scheduled programming you are most likely expecting some type of update or big announcement of some new project. Well returning readers have I got some news for you. And if you are a new subscriber hold on to you seats!

At this point my life feels as it was on pause. Addiction can and will really steal your time , waste and destroy your life. Looking back as I’d there was another person living my life and that couldn’t have been me. Oh but it was and it is NO LONGER. Grow and evolve. I told a lot of lives, broke a lot of promises, made a lot of regrets. So in a nutshell my blogs rolled out 3x a week on auto post while I quietly lost the battle with addiction.

I am proud to say that I did not lose the war. Tomorrow I will be an entire week clean. I changed me environment, my mindset and my goals & so far so good. Still taking it one day at a time. I have made more mistakes than I would ever wish to admit and hurt people I may never deserve complete forgiveness from. After all of that self destruction the Kris that rose from the ashes is a lot stronger and wiser, I am an author to my own story.

An update in one sentence: My bully and I now live in NYC with a support system and attend meetings regularly.

A statement I tell myself every day is “Never Give Up”.

I’ll try my best to keep the blows flowing on time maybe not the same times but still two times a week. Enjoy your weekend and follow my son on youtube

Improper injections ?

This is a blog that’s long over due , bit of great great importance. If you feel like any of these facts I’m bout to drop are incorrect , Google it & thank me later.

First off guys, WE ARE NOT JUICERS !!! There is no reason why we should be offered intramuscular injections… men who have testosterone deficiency are not “suggested” to inject the hormones intramuscular. Don’t believe me, Google it. If you are like me and don’t like needles having the option of a less painful injection would have been awesome, especially at some of the clinics I’ve been at.

For the guys that do inject intramuscular especially in the thigh because I see so many dangerous injections on Facebook and Instagram live. Not passing judgement, just here to once again share public knowledge.

I was first instructed at at small youth clinic in New Orleans. It was not a trans-specific clinic and this was back in 2014 so I’m going to assume that both the doctors and nurses were not properly trained in hormones replacement therapy. Even though my doctor seemed other be knowledgeable; she ran all the proper tests, checked all my levels, and went through all the paperwork with me. I was doing clinical injections at first, of course because needles and injections give me a lot of anxiety. Soon it became quite a burden traveling from New Orleans East to downtown every other week , especially trying to juggle work and home schedules. So I decided to make the transition to self injections at home. Needless to say it did not go well, 4 years later and it still doesn’t go swimmingly🙄

When I advised my doctor I wanted to start doing self injections at home she sent me to the nurse who not only gave me a 5 minute hand demonstration and made the motion at my thigh but some how gave me the wrong gauged needles.

“Already nervous about stabbing myself with a needle that really didn’t help at all.”

Not going into detail but most of my injections during that session of therapy were painful and most likely improper.

Fast forwarding to almost half a decade later I find myself at a LGBTQAI specific clinic in NYC learning how to properly do a intramuscular injection. It was also at this time that I found out the first time I had been showed how to do my injections were not only incorrect but dangerous. That was then, this is now. So a few self injections using the new method and I found myself more confident and less anxious. Still probably took me longer than the average guy but whatever. It was less painful then prior injections, but I still would have opted for a choice even less painful if it would have been presented.

Again skipping to current time. I am no longer on team intramuscular injections. Subcutaneous I recently have found is the the best method for me. Result are about the same as they were before, since most guys believe the myth that intramuscular injections are more effective than subcutaneous injections. A myth of course that can be debunked quite easily with a little bit of research.

I’m not going to out right say guys are injecting hormones wrong but I will say some guys are practicing dangerous injection methods/habits that are improper. This is indeed a touchy subject. So allow me to just drop some uncommon facts and let everyone take away from it what they will.

• intramuscular injections are absorbed faster than subcutaneous.
• subcutaneous tend to be less painless
• intramuscular injections are administered in the muscle
• subcutaneous injections are administered in the fat
• intramuscular injections are absorbed quickly by the bloodstream

I am not a doctor and I am still very much suffering from Aichmophobia. Personally subcutaneous is the way to go for me. No matter what type of injection you do just be safe and be clean.

circaJan2018

 

Want it, think it, have it ..

Familiar with the law of attraction 🤔….

“I’ve become pretty good with the force. It’s about a 3-4 month turnaround.”

 I have had a pretty adventurous 2018 so far. Recapping the last month of 2017…. I lost my job, I was already struggling to make ends meet and trying to find balance in my life. But before I knew it my life started to change for the better. 

In the month of January I started a new job. Still struggling to make ends meet but I was making it. I started conveniently working at the restaurant I lived above of. I had experience and paperwork to be hired at least $1.50 above minimum wage but nevertheless I was hired at a dishwasher at $10.00 an hr.

February was an easier month, with finding myself again gainfully employed and no longer stressing the worry of becoming evicted. I continued to bust my ass at work. Picking up all hours I could as the kitchen dishwasher. Even picked up shifts as the opening cleaner. 

Things were continuously looking up as I did the awkward transition from February to March. My hard work did not go unnoticed and I began my training for being not only the night time closing chef but also a promotion to manager with a $2.00 raise.

Now in the first week in May rumors are going around that I am being looked at to replace the current assistant GM (lead chef/white hat in kitchen terms) whom is stepping down to spend more time with his kids. I’ve been giving more responsibility, unsupervised shifts, hiring and firing privileges, recipe creation etc. So it looks like a little over half a year and I’ve moved up from second to last on the totem pole to second to first.

Not bad.

Guess hard work does pay off 🙌🏾💯

The benefits from being around nature.

I’ve always enjoyed having pets. Even if they weren’t really pets. I used to get in so much trouble for sneaking and feeding the stray cats. Causing them to hang out around the house.

Not to mention the stray somehow suprisingly never rabid dogs. I even found much enjoyment and interest in wildlife. Like feeding the birds in squirrels in my back yard. Helping my grandmother in the day Lilly flower beds and rose bushes

Biology was always my favorite subject since elementary. And just being outside was a pleasure…. 

That was until I developed an unhealthy distrust for all human species.

Seeing another creature wether sential or not seems to promote calms and relaxation for me personally. And also usually being stoned it’s fun to watch pets just… live, you know.
Gives me hope 💗
Never stop appreciation life

Hard work pays off

..  or I just have really good luck

Either way life has been going good. Recall me blogging about abruptly losing one job back in December (a week before christmas) then I got hired 3 days later and starting working a week later. Well things have come a long way since then.

This dish washing job was what I thought was just something that would keep me afloat untill I either won the lottery or figured out life. However it quickly turned into something great. Of course I was putting in an enormous amount of hard work and effort into it. Because this was the only thing I had at the time to keep me from sinking.

Originally hired as “kitchen help” I learned a new skill as far as cooking; 😋 now I know how to toss dough, 😏 been tossing salads for a while now tho. Of course me being my own worst critic and never ever having tossed dough let alone do anything else with a pizza besides either order, put it in the over or eat it. I quickly got frustrated a seized the opportunity to quietly maneuver to busboy/dishwasher. 

“Like always pot brings people together.”

Just so happen that the current dishwasher wasn’t thrilled about coming to work. Probably a college kid just look to have something to do sometimes a a small paycheck. So soon it went from picking up his shifts, to; “you’re the only dishwasher”. Seems like a miniscule job, one the someone would not desire. Nope. Not me. Doing pretty much mindless one task labor for a decent amount is fine with me. Can’t go to work stoned of you’re an accountant or a brain surgeon. Think about.

Still, the “decent” amount of money wasn’t really making me smile on paydays exactly. So I worked a little harder. Picked up extra deep cleaning shifts. Made my schedule completely flexible. Stood out there. Went above and beyond. Showed up and showed out. At first I felt like I wasn’t being taken seriously then *boom* I came in the clutch. Earned some respect, recognition and not to mention hours and money.

And now. .    it was time for my demands. I started asking around; who does what & why and how long before I can start to do that??? Still seemed like I wasn’t getting the results I wanted so I snatch my chance like women snatch they edges. 

Made the leap from dish to expo. When they needed a hand I was there. Slowly at first then a little more confident and a lot less mistakes. Still, effort for no movement. But I was waiting on a raise from my MVP moment so I was content and enjoy the switch from dish to expo at my leisure. Since my title was still dish but also liked to lend a hand and give my brain different task.

“Some have greatness thrust apon them”

The light at the beginning of the tunnel. A morning chef was calling it quits and enough faith had already been proven from my part that the position was mine. It came as more of a question than a statement. However, I was still being called for those hail Mary plays and, well my arm was getting tired. And let’s not forget IMAN IS NOT A MORNING PERSON. So now I’m starting to think this isn’t really the tunnel I want.

Originally reluctantly I had to speak up that I was getting burned out with working my normal nights , then detailed mornings. Much less reluctant when me mentioning another raise got brushed off like a snow flurry. Whilst asking me to do additional mornings for training. Still waiting for a raise. Not to mention on top of insomnia and my sleep pattern officially going to shit around that time.

Still I rise, tho. Keep working hard, giving 109% and most importantly having a flexible work availability schedule. Immediately after dropping the details to focus on morning trainings. Things get switched again. And not only do I keep my nights instead of having to train in the mornings (at open btw) but a closing manager position opens up and my training started the following shift, which happened to be that same night. Plus I am currently working at my new wages 💯

Present day:

Working 2 weeks straight putting in extra time and effort into my training and once again proving that I am that MVP. Already 2 weeks into to the 6 of +40hrs/week you need to qualify for full time benefits. Hopefully here after my training it will simmer down and I can work a set schedule 40 and can go back to having a normal life.

Thanks for stopping by

I don’t know if it was hard work, because I’ve put in hard work before and got nothing. But I’ve literally have done no work not even fake work and been lucky. So maybe this time it’s a little bit of both 👌🏾

Hidden Talents/Hobbies

When I was around the age of 8 or 9 I got my first Rubik’s cube. Of course at that age and my attention span it quickly became a misplaced toy or something gathering dust on a book case.

“The quickest thing I learned about the (Rubik’s)cube was how to take it apart.”

I revisited the cube a few times sporadically in my early teens and then the little paper that came with it made a little more sense. Its bright colors and ability to intice my brain still was in my spirit as an adult. 

But within the last 4 years it has been increasingly attracting my attention, so a few weeks ago I sought out to master the Rubik’s cube. Suprisingly it was a whole lot easier to solve then I originally thought. If you know something about Rubik’s cubes or know how to solve one then you know it just requires memory and basic understanding on how the peices move separately and in it’s entirety.

Within a few days I went from barely being able to solve the middle layer to solving the entire cube in just over and hour. Practice makes muscle memory, muscle memory makes improvement.

Too often I find myself not really able to point out my hobbies or skills or something Im good at and also enjoy. Little knick knacks things, odd jobs that I am unique at. I can honestly say the frustration I experienced the first time I picked up a Rubik’s cube never would have led me to imagine that one day I would be able to solve it.

Can you solve a Rubik’s cube™ ?

Life is AMAZEBALLS ! **NEW PRODUCTS @ GenderCat™

Or at least products over at GenderCat™ are !! And NOW even BETTER than before !!!

To bring you up to speed ;my first soft intact packer with amazeballs….. Is no more. Long story increasingly shorter, I received my new “and improved” 4inch soft intact packer with amazeballs!

I can feel that material in the sack is stronger and way less likely to tear or bust. Still with awesome floating 3D testicles. It’s been a few weeks but I am already confident and me and my new packer are already inseparable. 

But wait ….. THERE’S MORE !!!!

You can now purchase the awesome body and prosthetics safe soap that is used so GenderCat™ headquarters.

Also prosthetics with the fascination sleeve add on now come with a nifty sleeve insert so you can now adjust the depth of your fascination sleeve or opt out of engaging the sleeve altogether at your leisure.

Once again they are improving the trademark self adhesive sheets we have all grown to adore. Now made with stronger adhesive and easy peel backing. 

“Every time with this company. It’s a swing away and a home-run. I only wish I knew about it sooner”

GenderCat website is now more user friendly head on over and check them out.

Protected: The GenderExtender by GenderCat™

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Should I move back?

Yea never thought I would be considering this and to be honest I’m not even sure if that’s what I’m really considering.

But yet here I am blogging about it so it must be some kinda subconscious problem. So yup, part of me wants to move back to NYC because it’s familiar for one and living there for almost a year I had built bonds with people and established friendship and daily interactions that I really miss. Then of course with Mardi Gras just passing I am becoming increasingly homesick again. And with nothing of really importance keeping me in my current village my brain is telling me; “Well, why the fuck not? *shrug* ” For no other real reason besides that being  HOME . 

All of this stems basically from feeling really isolated and alone. Imagine moving into a dorm but not having a roommate. Going to a 2hr class in the same building 5 days a week. Going off campus once a month and that’s only to get food for your ferret. 95% of all social interaction is through a cell phone. Not to mention running out of bud at least 3 times a month. 

“Welcome to my life.”

But it’s not all bad. I’ve managed to secure 2 things in adult life that I hate having to deal with. A place of employment & a place of residence. Neither has very taxing upkeep and both are relatively comfortable considering. And that’s basically why I have been stationary. Somewhat just going with the flow for right now.

Partially because that’s easier than stressing about something that’s not even really a problem yet. Mainly because I dread making decision and hate making bad ones.

Of course I could always pack up everything and move to Cali like I did when I basically backpacked to NYC…

Adulting is hard 🙄