Finally Seeking Professional Help

Well readers, I am taking a very big step this coming Monday…. I am going to seek professional help for my mental problems and drug abuse.  Abuse is in italic because I am not physical depended on any drugs but I do self medicate with drugs and I seek out drugs especially during manic and depressive phases even though I know its not healthy and its something I immediately regret. I am not ashamed of it as I have mentioned my battles in my blog and on my facebook lives (when I was on facebook anyways). But I never really sought out professional help or even really admitted that I need help and this a problem I can’t just solve with some magical self help book. Even though I have tried several times. I share a lot here on my blogs with my readers with out much of a filter but often time I was turning to facebook to just express my struggles. Usually through a random live that I would delete pretty soon after.

I guess I figure venting randomly on facebook and other platform was helping in some way but I was ignoring the fact that it wasn’t really helping and I was only becoming more and more isolated and just ignoring the underlying problem that I was really suffering from. I pretty sure if I am in fact diagnosed with PPD now I did it to myself by keeping so much and and basically holding a grudge with myself. I blamed my self when people I trusted let me down. And gradually no longer trusted myself to be able to really spot the difference of those that truly wanted to help me and the few people that was only looking out for themselves. But outward I just expressed it as all humans are trash and that everyone is naturally out to get me. Looking deeper into it all its all stemming from my incapability to really focus think things though and make good life choices. I have come to a point that I normalize all the self destructive thought and actions I was doing and because I was still pretty much still a functioning member of society. When in reality I was living in a town for almost 2 years and hadn’t gone further than a 5 block radius the entire time and I didn’t have proper identification for almost 3 years now.

This realization came after a very disturbing manic episodes that led me to hurting some one I deeply care about and deeply cares about me when all they were trying to do was help me not only realize I have a problem. Which is exactly what I have been running from and avoiding for quite some time now. My first breaking point when I should have sought out professional help was of course after my 2 separate suicide attempts that were either in the same week or definitely  within the same month, its hard to really recall but it was most like less than 2 weeks apart from one attempt to the other. At this point I can’t really remember which I did first; attempting to slit my wrist open or trying to overdose on pills. I don’t think I time frame or which came first is really that important or relevant. The second time was attempting to have a “death by cop” situation that ultimately landed me in jail for few days amongst other things. The 3rd time was a very apparently mental breakdown with severe depression. I originally was supposed to check myself into a mental health hospital but of course I backed out of that as well.

I realized I had given up on my self and having a happy life quite some time ago being completely honest I wouldn’t be surprised if it started somewhere in my childhood and got progressively worse as I aged and came to a boil once I reached to adulthood. And only continued to get worse my more I ignored it. Hence me now showing signs of paranoid personality disorder more recently. Even if this is going to a life long process; as in something I have to maintain for the rest of my life (which is something I always feared), I believe I care about myself enough now to try it and face the fact that I may be the sole cause of it progressing to such a state because I refused to acknowledge the problem for so many years.

I have so many conflicts thoughts in my head about almost everything its not really a shock to me that its taken me this long to do something about my issues. But I am extremely proud of my self for finally taking the first step in the right direction.

Again I appreciate the support from all of my readers, followers and visitors I am apologizing now because I not sure if this blog will be going on hiatus or for how long is it does but I will return at some point and hopefully come back stronger than ever, even in my blogs. As always thanks for reading.

This is Kristian Iman King, signing off for now…

What is Trauma?

Is it burning your hand on a hot stove and then subconsciously thinking every stove you see potentially  has the capabilities to burn you? Or is that paranoid? Even if its not on; even if its not plugged in? So what is it then? Trauma? Being proactive and recognizing a pattern? By definition Trauma is “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience”.

So therefore, who is to say what is traumatic to a certain experience individual? If you decide what is trauma  to you then you  in such; decide what is NOT traumatic to you. So shouldn’t it be relatively easy to let go or move pass trauma? However some do not posses the will mental capacity to accept that they are the muse of lingering trauma from PAST traumatic events. And how you continue living after said trauma has occurred. I guess what I’m trying to say is; yes traumatic events will happen to every human being at some point in their life. But how your react and moving forward how you continue to live there after is solely and entirely up to you.

I know first hand that it isn’t that cut and dry but hopefully the readers understand…

Why do I eat so dirty

I know, I know. And I know I know better, I said I would try to do better so why am I still eating so dirty.

In all honesty it’s not as bad as it could be. Yes, I slipped up here and there. Subway. Burger King. Oh, I finally tried that Popeye’s Chicken sand which. It was definitely worth it. With it still being fresh in the new year I am trying a little hard. I choose chicken over red meat. Fish over chicken. Juice over cold drinks. Not exactly where I want to be but better than where I was when I started.

I’ve find my new favorite clean food as a quick meal or just to wart off bad cravings is those little tuna ready to eat packages from Starkist. (they make chicken now too). Over the first weekend of the year & up to midweek I did kind of indulge quite a bit on Wawa hoagies I tried my best to make them sensible decisions like usually tuna or light mayo. Not to make excuses for myself but of course this weekend was the move and the company I work for hit the ground running after the holiday break so I had to juggle that as well. Its always easy to go to Wawa for lunch break.

Fortunately I was able to make groceries before the weekend and took a day off from the office so now I do have a few healthier options in my fridge now. Apples, tomatoes, bananas, wheat bread, peanut butter, tuna fish etc. I also am making a bigger effort in the amount and how often I am eating because that is important especially for individuals with a higher metabolism.

I believe if I have more healthier options and implore my self to try harder at eating cleaner I can make this goal a reality

I know this blog was short. But come on its the weekend right. Ha. I’ll be here Monday morning with a better read, pinkie swear.

Short but sweet

Hello once again my reader. For once I have a legitimate reason why I haven’t blogged over the weekend. In my defense I tried to extra blog leading up to the weekend. It’s for a good cause. My move over this weekend did NOT go as planned to say least.

Long story short a lot of things went wrong. The move was late, renovations were incomplete and my partner had a lot of disagreements. But I am happy to say that the weekend is behind us and I have successfully moved into a tiny home.

I can’t give much feedback about the new space just yet as I’ve only been here 48 hours. I can say I am wholeheartedly excited and I genuinely like the place so far. I’ve been working 10 hour shift as well so I haven’t been able to just relax, but I’m definitely looking forward.

Unfortunately I am ending this blog post with yet more apologies. As I am moving forward with other endeavors like podcasting and social media my blog posts might dwindle down until the end of January while I readjust my schedule to make time for all of my hobbies. Of course, I am not abandoning my readers; I will try my best to post at least 3 times a week. Blogs that are intelligent and interesting. In the meaning time make sure you follow my podcasts and YouTube as I will be dropping the links here FIRST.

As always, thanks for stopping by and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday morning.

Downsizing.. And then some

Hello readers, let me start off by saying “Tiny Homes” and if that catches your attention at all then I promise you this blog is worth the read for you today. If you never even heard of a tiny home don’t worry, you should stick around too because I don’t own one, or at least not yet.

lamest intro paragraph ever!!!!

Dang did you just “click-bait” a blog? No, not necessarily because I always do my introduction blog in such a format. I do not own a tiny home but I did downsize as much as possible before buying, renting, or building a tiny house. I’m talking about the smallest efficiency livable. Oh yea. Its time to save money.

So if you have ever been in a rooming house situation, a prison cell or a room with no windows and said “hey, this ain’t THAT well hey I’ve said that too. Besides losing all of your basic freedoms as a human being the confined  space really isn’t that bad, as far as the aspect of prison.

I am not going to jail, if that is a question.

What I did do is save more than 800$ a month is what I did do. I downsized from a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom to a efficiency with all utilities included. Yes, all utilities. The space is only the size of a small prison cell but I still have a private bathroom and a private entrance. Wifi and one small window for natural sunlight, all the things a growing young man. Okay, maybe not all of the things but the basic necessities at the very least. And that is what I’m going for.

I still have enough space to make a full circle and I can expand my wingspan and not touch both walls. Space wise it is a big change but considering the quiet neighborhood and easy commute I think I came out on top especially for the amount of money I will be saving.

Today is moving day!!!


Why are people “De-transitioning”

Those who choose to transition and then “de-transition” I believe are individuals that sought out help for what was an internal problem with an external solution. Meaning that said individual was uncomfortable in their own mind and wished to make changes on the outside to combat the problem. In most states there is a extensive process before one is just “given” hormones. Including therapy sessions and living as the targeted gender for sometimes years prior. So for someone to say “There wasn’t enough information available” or “I didn’t know what I getting into” is someone who most likely rushed or was following a trend. Doctors state in detail all the effects; some irreversible, nevertheless people still go through the transition process and are yet still unhappy due to their own internal battles. Instead of “helping” people de-transition how about we offer more counseling or a longer wait period before one can begin HRT. As human we change our minds so frequently. Maybe those who decide to “detransition” should have took more care about the gravity of their decision to go from one gender to another. Regret is a part of life and if you aren’t prepared for that maybe making big life decisions is something you should approach with extreme caution. Not every decision you make will warrant a “re-do” or “do-over”.

This was my response to a article I read about the “hundreds of individuals who are flocking to de transition”

…What in the entire fuck!

Well this year is starting off great (sarcasm). Hello readers hold on to your keywords for this one broh. So after logging in a breezing through some trending and current articles I kept seeing titles like “hundreds are detransitioning” , “detransition number increase” blah blah fucking blah.

I have been seeing this for years now but apparently now it has hit mainstream. Just like people who are homosexual and have this epiphany and are all of a sudden heterosexual. Yeah sure, right. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister almost 6 years ago. “there’s going to be a lot of lesbian with beards.. gay men in permanent drag”, it was funny , sad and true all at the same time. But now that mainstream has gotten a hold of the issue I have A LOT to say about it.

First off, for those that are thinking about “detransitioning” congratulations you are one of a million people who make mistakes. That’s all it was, you made a mistake. What grinds my gears about all this is that these people are trying to find fault in doctors and physician that allowed them to begin hormones in the first place, WRONG. You are an adult stop looking to blame your mistakes on other adults, especially ones who were only trying to help you in a task that you presented to them.

No body put a gun up to your head and told you to transition in the first place. It isn’t like buying a car; you test drive it maybe even buy, but then you decide that you don’t want it so you return it or sell it. You can’t just detransition (which by the way is not a word!!!) like that. AND the doctors tell you that. You are given extensive information and even documents you must sign before beginning HRT, so you can’t say you didn’t know all the physical and mental changes you were signing up for.

I will admit you can go to the right clinic or physician and maybe not have the ridiculous wait time to start hormones or even need a letter from a psychiatrist but I’m pretty sure places like that aren’t readily available and not a lot were able to slip through the cracks and do this. If you took that route it was by your own accord and you have to deal with the consequences of your action.

In the late 2010s being transgender had become a “fad” and a lot of homosexuals were flocking to doctors complaining about dysphoria(still hate that damn word) and how they felt they were in the wrong body etc. Even then, I saw and read stories about people who wished they hadn’t transition or went through HRT and even as far as gender reassignment.

I have pretty much the same view about it then as I do now only a little more annoyed because I feel like this is detrimental to actual transgender men & women and the community. I feel as people are going to have more fuel to the fire about “transgender people are just going through a phase” or “transgender people suffer from a mental disorder”. No, fuck that misinformation.

I know guys that used to tell pre-T guys the ends and outs as far as what to tell the doctor to make sure you got your hormones with out any major problems. I was NEVER one of those guys in fact I received a good amount of backlash because I would not answer people’s question about how to start HRT. I was a firm believer that you had to put in the effort yourself and do the research on your own.

For example in early 2015 a friend of mind came to me with a lot of questions about transition. But this same person could not grasp the fact of 2 transgender people being in a relationship. “why they don’t just stay the way the are… naw I couldn’t do that I want to be with a real woman” is what they said. Right there, just those few words right there set off so many red flags. I had another person come to me that same year solely about getting top surgery and taking hormones only for the purpose to “get rid of these big ass titties”  and grow a beard. Oh sweet Jesus, take me now.

Informed them both that they would have to do their own research if they truly wanted to get started and that transitioning was more that just fad it was a serious life choice. Needless to say just my unwilling to basically help one make a big mistake was enough to deter the one that only wanted top surgery and a beard. However, the other was not swayed so easily. Being that I knew them both for well over a decade I went against my better judgement and helped the first friend but only by giving the name of my doctor and psychiatrist.

It wasn’t long before I realized I had made a grave mistake(i.e. they insisted on participating in ladies night at a local bar) and I may have given someone the necessary information to make a decision that would alter their life for ever. But, the universe has a funny way of sussing things out. Of course they were not a transgender man nor really wanted to transition. They did not follow the doctor’s instruction on a healthier lifestyle before they could get the letter to start hormones and therefore did not move forward with HRT or anything. They are now still a woman and happy being a lesbian.

My point in all this is, had I “helped” these 2 people transition I am certain that they would be one of the hundreds “regretting transitioning” or “detransitioning”. If you really want something you will find a way and if you really don’t you will find excuses.

My hope for the outcome of all this is that the people going back to their assigned at birth gender are fully disclosing that they knew from the beginning that transition was not something they should have done and are taking sole responsibility for their decision.

If you ask me I think the adults who are crying about how they wish they never transitioned got exactly what they were looking for and let that be a hard life lesson that is etched in their mind forever.

Being transgender (if you truly are) is not a phase, it is a not a mental disorder it is who you are with or with hormones and gender reassignment surgery. 

Remember this guy???…. Yea,



exactly… except this time it won’t be so funny


Feel free to rebuttal in the comments

Improper injections ? 

This is a blog that’s long over due , bit of great great importance. If you feel like any of these facts I’m bout to drop are incorrect , Google it & thank me later.

First off guys, WE ARE NOT JUICERS !!! There is no reason why we should be offered intramuscular injections… men who have testosterone deficiency are not “suggested” to inject the hormones intramuscular. Don’t believe me, Google it. If you are like me and don’t like needles having the option of a less painful injection would have been awesome, especially at some of the clinics I’ve been at.

For the guys that do inject intramuscular especially in the thigh because I see so many dangerous injections on Facebook and Instagram live. Not passing judgement, just here to once again share public knowledge.

I was first instructed at at small youth clinic in New Orleans. It was not a trans-specific clinic and this was back in 2014 so I’m going to assume that both the doctors and nurses were not properly trained in hormones replacement therapy. Even though my doctor seemed other be knowledgeable; she ran all the proper tests, checked all my levels, and went through all the paperwork with me. I was doing clinical injections at first, of course because needles and injections give me a lot of anxiety. Soon it became quite a burden traveling from New Orleans East to downtown every other week , especially trying to juggle work and home schedules. So I decided to make the transition to self injections at home. Needless to say it did not go well, 4 years later and it still doesn’t go swimmingly🙄

When I advised my doctor I wanted to start doing self injections at home she sent me to the nurse who not only gave me a 5 minute hand demonstration and made the motion at my thigh but some how gave me the wrong gauged needles.

“Already nervous about stabbing myself with a needle that really didn’t help at all.”

Not going into detail but most of my injections during that session of therapy were painful and most likely improper.

Fast forwarding to almost half a decade later I find myself at a LGBTQAI specific clinic in NYC learning how to properly do a intramuscular injection. It was also at this time that I found out the first time I had been showed how to do my injections were not only incorrect but dangerous. That was then, this is now. So a few self injections using the new method and I found myself more confident and less anxious. Still probably took me longer than the average guy but whatever. It was less painful then prior injections, but I still would have opted for a choice even less painful if it would have been presented.

Again skipping to current time. I am no longer on team intramuscular injections. Subcutaneous I recently have found is the the best method for me. Result are about the same as they were before, since most guys believe the myth that intramuscular injections are more effective than subcutaneous injections. A myth of course that can be debunked quite easily with a little bit of research.

I’m not going to out right say guys are injecting hormones wrong but I will say some guys are practicing dangerous injection methods/habits that are improper. This is indeed a touchy subject. So allow me to just drop some uncommon facts and let everyone take away from it what they will.

  • intramuscular injections are absorbed faster than subcutaneous.
  • subcutaneous tend to be less painless
  • intramuscular injections are administered in the muscle
  • subcutaneous injections are administered in the fat
  • intramuscular injections are absorbed quickly by the bloodstream

I am not a doctor and I am still very much suffering from Aichmophobia. Personally subcutaneous is the way to go for me. No matter what type of injection you do just be safe and be clean.



Sit the world away. Let your voice speak.

Sometimes you have to quiet the world to hear yourself.

Too often I myself over stimulated by outside actions, like being in a crowded room, having to talk to a store clerk and even quietly making decision on which way to go on a public walkway. It is my own character defect; a flaw in a sense, or a imbalance of something in my frontal lobe. I constantly overthink every thing and scenario and put my stress on my mental as a first nature.

Something I am trying to change gradually. Not everything deserve a reaction, or one with so much mental space as I usually put forth. Too often I find myself over thinking the smallest task. What do I want to eat? What t-shirt do I want to wear? Do I want to brush my teeth before or after I take a shower?

The anxiety put me so far outside of my comfort zone for so long the phrases “I don’t know.” and “It doesn’t matter.” became a normal almost subconscious response. I did that because I found it was easier to say that than give any mental strength to the situation. Having to make a choice for anything had become harder then trying to bend steel at times.

For things like what kind of cold drink I wanted or which shoes did I want to wear; those responses seem okay in moderation. Everyone has a preference for almost anything and I wasn’t giving myself that option. Slowly that brought down the overall quality of my life. I wasn’t really living in the life I wanted because I took my voice from myself. I am assuming my brain did this because of some childhood trauma of wrongly developed social or processing skill.

I don’t like when my choices feel rushed, forced or outwardly effected. It may sound spoiled but my comfort zone is a decision that I have had what I felt was enough time to process, is of my complete own accord and well not and is not effect by any other outstanding outside factor. Yes, I know we live in the real world and for the majority of life decisions that is not plausible or possible. Some where along the line in my mid to late 20s my brain missed the memo.

If suffer from any mental disorder then you know first hand how hard it is to train your brain, let alone RE-train your brain once it has learn an unhealthy process.


I tell myself a few things when I am left with even the smallest decision that I feel my response will be a nonchalant answer. Especially when I know deep down it does in fact matter and I do have a preference.

  1. My choices matter and are valid because I matter.
  2. Words are just words and no one gets them perfect all the time.
  3. If it really didn’t matter it wouldn’t be a choice.
  4. Take 5 seconds to think. Take your time and make a choice.
  5. A wrong decision USUALLY won’t kill you

I will admit this is way of thinking that shouldn’t be drastically hard to drop because I do want to increase the overall quality of my life. It it more a bad mental habit that I picked up. I short cut that is a catch 22 to the destination. I found it so much easier to not make a decision and I found it even easier by default over time.

My advice to my readers is to always make sure you care about yourself. Not just your mental and physical well being but what you really want in life. Imagine a parent or guardian NEVER even considering what the child really wants not saying good or bad, right or wrong but catering to the ability to make a decision or the choice. Even if that child grows up with the best of everything some animosity is sure to build for the lack of self expression.

Sure we are all adults now and no one has control over if we can express ourselves but ourselves, so make sure to love yourself and don’t let the world drown out your voice for not even one second.





Fish Husbandry

Hello readers, its me; late again as usual. I promise this blog will actually be worth the wait. So if you are new here, welcome. If you are new to me as a whole, again welcome but you may have missed the 8-10 months that I was a avid fish keeper, enthusiast, practice fish husband etc. But have no fear I have decided to give it another go. So stay around, especially if you enjoy fish keeping.

So almost a year ago I lost nearly all of my fish due to “The Bleaching” an horrible event that still rubs me the wrong way, but I am slowly trying forgive and forget the pain. I lost over 10 fish and 1 amphibian. 2 20 gallon tanks and a 44 gallon tanks went down that day and it was one of the worst moments in not only my fish husbandry but also my life.

I will at some point really extensively document the whole experience the good, bad and ugly. For now I am focusing on the future and where I take myself and my aquariums to a whole new level. Spoiler alert I will not be keeping any fish I have kept in the past. So Corydoras Catfish, Plecostomus, Cichlids(African & Oscar), Goldfish(Comet & Shubunkin) & Snails(Apple & Mystery)are all off the table for the time being.

Also not trying to break my wallet or my back so I am downsizing tank sizes & quantity and the amount of fish that I will be keeping at one time. Don’t get bored that is just where I plan on starting. Lets not forget last year I started with one tank and a handful of fish. So I will be starting with nothing over 10 gallons. Nano tanks anyone.

I haven’t yet made up my mind on a specific tank size or types of fish yet but I definitely have my eyes on Beta fish and fresh water shrimp is I don’t follow through with nothing else. Also depending on how hard I hit the ground I might take a swing at a planted tank. I had a planted 20gal long tank last year it never really had time to establish and the Corys weren’t so nice to the fresh root system of the plants, especially the dwarf grass.

I do want to look into more guppies and tetras as I found that I do enjoy looking at a school of fish in my aquarium aka submarine for fish. Shrimp is on my list because with corys and plecos out of the equation I still will need some type of bottom feeders especially if I plan on having plants or at the very least some type of substrate. I’m feeling like this is where I will start keeping species that I have never had and eventually go to kinds I’ve never even thought of keeping. Some shrimp can be hardy with their parameters as long as you don’t intend to try to get them to breed.

Long term goals I do want to take a shot at having a salt water aquarium but I see that after at least 2 continuous fish husbandry of high quality fresh water species. I seriously have no idea of where to start with a salt water tank or the fish species that would be able to keep or coral or plants.

But what good is doing research if you have no topic to research.



Pre-Fail, New Year’s Promises

So its not even Christmas yet and I am already failing at keeping a lot of promises to myself. Well for starters eating cleaner, better hair (and self) care, as well as lowering my THC intake. So lets break these things down while I sit in Dunkin’ Donuts listening to my favorite Glass Animals mix, trying to keep up with my most recent broken stride… daily blogs.

I THOUGHT that setting my blog post for the morning would help me fight my depression by giving me something to do in hopes of making some time of morning routine. That backfired because I am not a morning person and the last thing I really want to do is try and find words in the morning. Thinking that maybe a podcast where I could ramble on would be more up my alley.

A few of the days I saved myself my posting a old draft that I hadn’t finished or admittedly writing it the night before in my cubicle. Since its the holidays and I haven’t had many office days that kind of went out the window. Currently I am sitting in the local DD’s because the distraction from the cartoons on the tv and my sleeping partner was a bit much. Also I don’t yet have a home office so finding somewhere to blog that isn’t bad on my posture is a little difficult.

I am also an introvert so forcing myself to come outside and go to a public place puts me outside of my comfort zone and I believe that helps with not only my creative juices but causes my brain to leave that comfort mental zone and allows me to have access to a wider range of emtions and triggers. Think of it as a socialization for a new puppy that doesn’t yet know how to play with other puppies, humans or other animals.

Now about this “clean” eating that I seem to be failing miserably at. Well that is a bit harsh on myself. Like for instance last night I had a tuna fish sand which, the white bread left me feeling slightly guilty but I have to give myself props because the other menu option was lamb chops. Of course the white bread wasn’t the best option but considering I  did make a good choice.

However, it noon at I haven’t had anything to eat besides some toothpaste and a little THC. Even though I am in DD’s I’m not a big coffee drinker so I guess I am mooching the free wifi. I may decide to eat an apple when I get back to the house but the main point here is that besides unhealthy options or less “clean” food I don’t have a big selection, so this process will require a little more effort than originally thought.(I do that often)

So my hypothesis now is that if I can only find say half as much “clean” food as I was normal eating will I feel negative or positive effects. I am not going to starve myself. A big decision I was left with years back when I decided to switch to a vegan diet. As I said back then “I try my best , but I’m not going to starve to death, I’m not a happy camper when I’m hungry for too long”.

I will stay the course and keep the readers that are interested updated you can find all my info about my clean journey in the “Clean Eating” category. I’ll try to keep it recent on maybe a tri-day schedule or twice a week, but those readers are more than welcomed to stick around for other categories.

About this whole NO WEED business. Again, I may have bit off more that I can chew. Lacked the personal integrity to really hold myself to that goal. I have turned down sessions but have I just completely shut down smoking besides night and day, um NO of course not. So, in order to combat that I MAY just decide to take a smoking strike. I was originally against  that thought because of my anxiety and bipolar depression. EVEN THOUGH marijuana is on its way of becoming legal for recreational use soon this wouldn’t be a bad opportunity to try and snag a job that does require pre employment drug testing.

The downfall for all that is that I am also in the long process of trying to quit smoking cigarettes and being honest with myself I feel without smoking blunts I’ll end up wanting to smoke more. Nothing beats failure but trying, or however it goes.

I think that covers just about all that I’ve fallen short over the weekend.

Same time tomorrow?