Well readers, I am taking a very big step this coming Monday…. I am going to seek professional help for my mental problems and drug abuse. Abuse is in italic because I am not physical depended on any drugs but I do self medicate with drugs and I seek out drugs especially during manic and depressive phases even though I know its not healthy and its something I immediately regret. I am not ashamed of it as I have mentioned my battles in my blog and on my facebook lives (when I was on facebook anyways). But I never really sought out professional help or even really admitted that I need help and this a problem I can’t just solve with some magical self help book. Even though I have tried several times. I share a lot here on my blogs with my readers with out much of a filter but often time I was turning to facebook to just express my struggles. Usually through a random live that I would delete pretty soon after.
I guess I figure venting randomly on facebook and other platform was helping in some way but I was ignoring the fact that it wasn’t really helping and I was only becoming more and more isolated and just ignoring the underlying problem that I was really suffering from. I pretty sure if I am in fact diagnosed with PPD now I did it to myself by keeping so much and and basically holding a grudge with myself. I blamed my self when people I trusted let me down. And gradually no longer trusted myself to be able to really spot the difference of those that truly wanted to help me and the few people that was only looking out for themselves. But outward I just expressed it as all humans are trash and that everyone is naturally out to get me. Looking deeper into it all its all stemming from my incapability to really focus think things though and make good life choices. I have come to a point that I normalize all the self destructive thought and actions I was doing and because I was still pretty much still a functioning member of society. When in reality I was living in a town for almost 2 years and hadn’t gone further than a 5 block radius the entire time and I didn’t have proper identification for almost 3 years now.
This realization came after a very disturbing manic episodes that led me to hurting some one I deeply care about and deeply cares about me when all they were trying to do was help me not only realize I have a problem. Which is exactly what I have been running from and avoiding for quite some time now. My first breaking point when I should have sought out professional help was of course after my 2 separate suicide attempts that were either in the same week or definitely within the same month, its hard to really recall but it was most like less than 2 weeks apart from one attempt to the other. At this point I can’t really remember which I did first; attempting to slit my wrist open or trying to overdose on pills. I don’t think I time frame or which came first is really that important or relevant. The second time was attempting to have a “death by cop” situation that ultimately landed me in jail for few days amongst other things. The 3rd time was a very apparently mental breakdown with severe depression. I originally was supposed to check myself into a mental health hospital but of course I backed out of that as well.
I realized I had given up on my self and having a happy life quite some time ago being completely honest I wouldn’t be surprised if it started somewhere in my childhood and got progressively worse as I aged and came to a boil once I reached to adulthood. And only continued to get worse my more I ignored it. Hence me now showing signs of paranoid personality disorder more recently. Even if this is going to a life long process; as in something I have to maintain for the rest of my life (which is something I always feared), I believe I care about myself enough now to try it and face the fact that I may be the sole cause of it progressing to such a state because I refused to acknowledge the problem for so many years.
I have so many conflicts thoughts in my head about almost everything its not really a shock to me that its taken me this long to do something about my issues. But I am extremely proud of my self for finally taking the first step in the right direction.
Again I appreciate the support from all of my readers, followers and visitors I am apologizing now because I not sure if this blog will be going on hiatus or for how long is it does but I will return at some point and hopefully come back stronger than ever, even in my blogs. As always thanks for reading.
This is Kristian Iman King, signing off for now…