One Small Step

Good morning my avid readers happy hump day. I woke up in pretty good spirits hope you all did the same. One day at a time, I’m getting my power back. So far I’ve regained it to the point that I’m not so fragile that every little thing someone says or does to me effect me or my mood so greatly. I want to take it one small step further and also calm my thoughts;fleeting and reoccurring, I don’t have to dwell on everything that crosses my mind. You don’t either.

Yesterday after nearly a week of rescheduling I help my friend move into their new apartment. It felt nice to help a friend and stick to my word. The physical work was good as well but I’ve had a bad back since childhood so I’m going to try and take it easy for the next few days.

I had a pretty important task I was supposed to accomplish yesterday but again I put my own goals second and may have missed an opportunity. I am staying positive about it, when one door closes, crack a window. Another job offer was presented to me yesterday evening as well. Good pay, great incentives and best of all it’s remote. So I took that job offer and I’m feeling pretty positive about it.

They stress in recovery not to overwhelm yourself and put your recovery first. Like don’t get into relationships, don’t overwork yourself; people, places and things etc. Everyone recovers differently and everyone’s recover story and journey is different. Things they tell you in rehab, IOP, sober living houses are all suggestions. The only thing you have to do is NOT pick up & NOT use. One day at a time.

I said about a month back that I was going to regain my hobbies, reignite my passions I need to take a step towards that goal and make it more than just a statement. I am no longer ashamed to say I need help. So I’ve taken a small in better my mental help and have decided to seek out a therapist. Within the next 2 weeks I should be paired up with a physician that fits my uniqueness.

We all have goals, dreams, hopes and it’s up to us make all of those things happen. It is perfectly normal to require help. As a species we share information, skills and ideas all the time to improve ourselves as individuals and for the greater good of humankind. It’s ok to be distracted even having to put certain things off briefly. But every day we must be productive, proactive and determined to strive for the things we want. Any step forward towards something you want no matter how big or small that step may be is a step in the right direction, always.

I hope I have at the very least inspired someone today. Lit a spark to a fire the thought was put out. If not I hope a have given someone the words or tools to inspire someone else.

As always, thanks for stopping by it’s so great to have you here. I will see you all bright and early tomorrow morning. ❤️

-K

Dying Violently in My Dreams

Normally I wouldn’t ask my readers about their personal lives but if anyone has violent dreams that involves them injured or even dying in their dreams now or in the past I would greatly appreciate some insight.

Excuse my rudeness, hello readers hope everyone woke up refreshed and ready to start the day. Due to cellular issue I know as I write this blog it won’t be published until 2pm as well as the one for tomorrow morning. My apologies certain things were foreseen but unfortunately unavoidable. I am still on schedule however, writing these post in the morning on time and when my brain is at it earliest peak.

I know I don’t think I have ever wrote 2 blogs back to back about the same topic but this is of dire importance in my personal life. I know it’s definitely due to me going from active addiction to recovery. Anyone can tell you drugs especially hard narcotics will surpress not only your conscious thoughts but as well as your subconscious trauma. That’s normally why people get into addiction or stay in it for such long periods of time. I am no different, I’ve been trying to find ways to numb the pain of trauma for as long as I can remember.

I didn’t go into details about Sunday night’s vivid and upsetting dream, well last night was even worse and I think because it was a new dream it was even more unsettling. I can make a lot of sense of it which is comforting, in a way, but it doesn’t by far make it any less traumatizing. Again my adoptive parent was there only this time in a much more demonic presence. It was so disturbing. I tried to excuse the projection of pure evilness due to the horror film I watched earlier in the afternoon but we all know our subconsciousness may use things or ideas we see or hear but it is our brain that creates the story.

I have spoken briefly on a conversation that I have been avoiding for quite some time. Apparently I have pushed the stress of it back into my subconscious and it’s not as much of a procrastinatenor as I am consciously. It’s crystal clear that I need to address this issue; sooner rather than later. I know there isn’t any way possible that horrific dream could come to fruition in the real world even in the worse case scenario. At this point I need to go ahead and rip the band-aid off. Stop using the excuse that it’s a conversation that has to happen in person because that’s just not realistic at this point.

In a much brighter and more pleasant side of the dream the good moments were just as vivid as the bad ones. For that I am truly grateful. I was able to not only see my grandmother’s face as I remember her with every wrinkle and laugh line. I was even able to feel her hugs deeply and as pure and as full of love as they were when I was a child. Everything was clear and every detail was as she was before I lost her in hurricane Katrina.

For the dream as a whole I’m trying to take it at face value and not over analyse it. Just hoping I don’t let it affect me too much over the course of the next few days and hope even moreso that I don’t have another one tonight.

Thanks for stopping by and I will see you all tomorrow afternoon.

-K

Subconscious, Dreams & Me

Happy Friday readers ! I hope you all had an excellent weekend filled to the brim with your goals and dreams. Glad to have you back here.

Speaking of dreams let’s jump right into it. First let me just make sure we all know I’m not just talking about dreams that mean nothing or had no feeling. I’m talking about those dreams that have you waking up and rethinking life choices or have you intently focused on your future. Ones that have such deep emotions it leaves you wondering exactly what’s going on inside your head.

I’m pretty sure we have all had at least one dream that has led us to doing research in about what the “signs” mean. Not the average things like dreaming about fish or having one of those dreams where you’re falling or even why we can never seem to punch harder than a baby in our dreams. I’m talking about very physical and emotional vivid dreams. As an addict in recovery I’m sure one person can relate to the vividness of a “drug dream”. For all my none addicts try thinking back to your school days, falling asleep at your desk and falling in your dream; it’s so vivid that you literally jump out of your sleep most likely startling those around you.

Now that we are perfectly clear, allow me to explain my personal situation. Full disclosure due to my forgetfulness and I suppose lack of priority, I have been off my mental health medication this weekend. I didn’t exactly sleep peacefully, deeply and I believe I might have been up and down for a quarter of the night. I experienced a very emotionally vivid dream which at this point may be a reoccurring dream. This is the second time I’ve had this particular dream. Just a vivid the only difference was instead of the second act in the dream it seemed to replay the beginning. Not identically like deja vu, but it seem as if my subconscious wanted me to pay more attention to the small details.

The human mind is a very complex, complicated and I think one my least understood organ of the human body. Sleep in itself is weird. Not dead of course but somewhat not alive I suppose. All of our homeostasis systems are still very much active. Like we breathe while we are sleeping and most certainly can hear things it just doesn’t register like it would of we were awake. Then we have crazy things like sleep paralysis. Scientist believe dreams are our brain’s way of dealing with things we have experienced. Trauma, pain things we don’t fully understand. So our brain doesn’t ever really rest.

So to be specific I had a dream that included my adoptive parent, siblings and 2 other relatives. More in depth there was a very strong emotion of anger almost rage that consciously I don’t feel. Even now I don’t feel the same as I did in my dream. To be transparent I have been avoiding the parent and a very deep conversation we need to have. Being physically, mentally and verbally abused by her as a child it’s not far fetched as an adult I would have these type dreams but honestly I thought I had forgave her and moved on from the trauma. Apparently not, and do we ever really recover from trauma, or do we just learn to deal with it in a more healthy way?

Being the second time that I had this exact dream I know paid closer attention to it in it’s entirety and to the small details I may have missed the first time. My subconscious is trying to make sense of the trauma and the disconnect from it that I’m assuming I have mistaken for healing or being over it. Our brain is funny in that way, we have little to no control of our thoughts and even less over our subconsciousness. Pretty ironic in the sense that it literally controls everything, from our breathing to our reactions to our emotions.

If I could leave you with anything today it would be to pay attention to your dreams and even more close attention to the feelings and emotions you experience in the dream realm. We have little actual communication between ourselves and our brain or cognitive thinking. The least we could do is pay attention, right? Thanks for listening my readers. Meet you right back here tomorrow morning. Enjoy your day!

-K

Confidence is KEY

Heya readers, nice of you to drop by. According to my stats I recently have been pulling in new readers more than the old ones returning. Good either way for me. I couldn’t care if the only person reading my blogs was myself honestly. You all are just along for the ride. Still thanks for being here.

Jumping right in to the thick of it, “Confidence is Key. Major.” Over the last almost decade and a half my confidence level has been gradually dropping. Partly I didn’t know and partly I didn’t care. Between the drugs, toxic relationships and overall bad life choices I put my confidence and my self esteem in the ring with a straight jacket on. That makes absolutely no sense and I’d be fighting a losing battle, impossible to win. So naturally I became a passive, reactive and submissive individual. Gross yes I know. Admitting problems or character flaws like these are the first step.

Now I’m in the process of forgiving, really forgiving myself for everything I allowed and put myself through. Meaning I have to be gut wrenchingly honest with myself. Boy, is that tough. Luckily enough for me I have a strong support system and professional help. It’s also up to me to use the tools I have and I intend to. I have my family, friends, my program and most importantly I have myself.

Over the last 5 or 6 years I basically lost trust in my own judgement; with people, relationships and everyday choices. I became increasingly more isolated and found solice in drugs, video games and occasionally alcohol. Which of course only made matters worse. It was a slippery downhill slope that I thought was level. But enough of the past I believe you get the jist of what lead me where I am today.

Moving forward with the help of my support team I am first and foremost slowly forgiving myself for everything I either put my self through our allowed to happen to me. By doing that I can honestly say, today I like me as a person more than I have in the last 8 years of my life maybe even more. I’m sure that eventually I’ll learn to love myself. Just by liking myself as a good person I want said person (me) to have confidence and a positive life. Just like I want for so many of my friends and family.

Strangely enough now that I actually want to build confidence and be proactive instead of reactive I clearly see the value of self esteem, self awareness and confidence. Confidence is truly key.

This may seem like a short winded blog and I could probably elaborate quite a lot more on the topic… But I’ll let you know what I figure out and how it goes.

Thanks for stopping by.

-K

Recovery Program

Helloooooooooo *in my Mrs. Doubt fire voice*

Ha ha. I really do love that movie. Even more love that the ending wasn’t THAT cliche.

Hiya, everyone today is a really good day for me. I mean like really good. I did my intake at my recovery program today and even was able to sit in on one group. I don’t think the group had a definitive topic but it was well appreciated and very much needed.

We talked about a lot of different topics. Forgiving, especially for the trauma we experienced as helpless children. Growth and learning. Never quit and never take failure as a last stand. You have to fight. We ended with a quote I would like to share with you all. I think it’s from an ancient Chinese proverb: “We all have 3 faces. One we show to the world. One we hide for ourselves. One that’s so deep inside we may never see and most likely will spend our whole lives trying to find.“

The group director also said that we as recovering addicts will probably see the third mentioned a lot sooner than most others because in recovery we go looking. As we recover from our disease we search long and hard for what brought us into our addiction, what kept us there for however long and what will rescue us. For me personally, the answer for all 3 of those question is well, ME. We are a sum of everything we have been through. The good, the bad and the ugly. If I may be blunt all things considered I’m shocked I made it this far with out becoming a full blown addict.

I found myself on the corner of arrogance and hardhead streets and decided to hop a bus right to stupidville. Chaotic madness was something I had become accustomed to well before adolescent. I firmly believe had I not taken the steps to get better I would have stayed in my addiction permanently until I ceased to exist in this form.

It’s only been one day and it hasn’t even been 5 hours since I left my program and already I feel stronger and better about myself and my recovery. Let’s not confuse my newly found confidence with arrogance, I’ve seen one too many times where that has led me. I cannot ignore the drug dream that almost had me over slept this morning. It started in motion all kinds of good things during the day tho. So again I say I am grateful for it all.

I’m only mandated to go 3 times a week but I’m really trying to take a hold of this addiction since it’s obviously trying to kill me; so I’ve decided to go daily excluding the weekends of course. So maybe I have found some sort of schedule to the random posting times here on my blog. Since I’m now responsible to wake up around the same time every morning which Im sure will cause me to have some type of bed time at night.

Even though today seems to be another short blog compared to most of my other writings I can say it is definitely not in vain, just like this day. Achievement is definitely loading ha ha. Today was a good day. After getting my direct deposit this afternoon and still playing catch up on my bills I still have $9 in my bank account. Prolly seems like shit to you all but to me it’s 9 dollars I have because I’m choosing to do the right thing for myself and say no to all drugs.

See y’all back here tomorrow morning. As always thanks for stopping and reading for a little while.

-K

Social Butterfly or Social Chameleon

Happy Monday people. Still working on that time frame, so for now when I post will still be a surprise. Still going for the goal of daily (M-F) post so if you weren’t here last week feel free to catch up because some of the post will be an extension.

If I recall correctly at a young age I was pretty shy. I was told I didn’t start really talking until almost 3 years old and even then I was pretty quiet around strangers. Not really making much eye contact and staying close to family rather than being an adventurous young toddler. Wasn’t soon after that I was diagnosed as a high functioning autistic person.

As I grew I found some confidence making a few close friends in between grades 3rd and 5th still weary of strangers and the friendships I did have usually weren’t formed by me rather just mainly , well maintained. It was about 8th grade when I think I turned into a more social lad. But I still wasn’t yet the life of the party. I think at this point I realized I’d rather have friends or at least people around instead of always being in a corner by myself.

I did things were it just made sense to make one or two friends. Like summer camp, swim lessons, bible camp etc. My parent was normally the one to either throw parties or get invited to them. So a lot of times I found myself in places or situations where I had to go “play with the other kids”. Here I realized the sometimes staying off in a corner by yourself can lead to others seeking you out and wondering why you are this way. Unfortunately, kids can be cruel when you’re a bit different than most. So now it seemed if I wanted not to be picked on and left alone I had to blend. So blending is what I did.

I grew up as mostly an only child but I think I didn’t really have that only child syndrome because deep down I did yern for some socialization even if it was only because of the toys I had or the things I could do. By junior high it seemed I had blossomed into a completely different person than the kid I was a little over a decade ago. Which I’m sure is natural. I feel like the problem was I became what I’m going to call a social chameleon. Meaning, I never really knew who I was , rather became the person I needed to be for the situation. In school, at home it didn’t matter I seemed to always have a mask on that allowed me to blend and be accepted.

Kind of ironic that today as a 30 year old man I still find myself from time to time doing something similar. For partners, employment, neighbors.

Whatever I was doing or whoever I was being seemed to work so it just because natural, almost a second nature. If I needed to be artsy. I was. The funny guy. The dramatic. The intellectual. No mater the hand I was deal I always seemed to turn it into a royal flush. I think they call it “code switching” in some cases. However, my chameleon like abilities weren’t only brought up by being around those of different races. It’s as if without my knowledge my brain would create a profile of a person or situation and automatically and completely out of my control flip a switch and I would be the best candidate for the moment. I guess similar to what most do during a job interview.

By the time I reached high school the fact that who I was as far as not being set in stone was , well; set in stone. Of course I didn’t have such a clear understanding as I do now or how to put it in to words. I clearly recall being welcomed into every social group in my highschool. Yes every one. The jocks, nerds, burnouts, band geeks, queers, teacher’s pets, loners. Ha ha. I always had a table to sit at for lunch or a group to wait with for the late buses. It seemed so normal to me. Come to think about it I don’t remember anyone as traversed as me as far a social niches. I was within every group yet never really belonged to a single one. Story of my life.

I always thought I was simply eclectic. Wether it was my style of clothes, taste in music down to the way I carried myself in general. Nothing ever really seemed to stick or feel like this is me. I never really even attempted to wonder why. It wasn’t until my early to mid 20s that I even gave thought of what I really like or enjoyed or wanted to do with the life that I was given. Even now at 30 I am still struggling for a reason, a purpose.

There’s been subtle things that I enjoyed doing maybe mainly because I was naturally good at. Like sports: I’ve always loved to run and being a star on my flag football team always made me smile. Even now, thinking of the memories I smirk. Creating things: art, music, poetry. I can’t hold a tune any longer but I can still write a very touching peice of spoken word if given the mood. Moreso there’s things I found myself to be good at and enjoy and then gradually or ubruptly for what ever reason simply lost interest in no matter how interested I may have been at any given point. The 5 things I have just mentioned believe it or not of course are on that list as well.

Digging deeper into the past. Drawing cartoons, making original music, physical fitness, entrepreneurship, writing stories and plays, building things to just name a couple painful lost loves over my life time. As much as I would like to blame my lack of drive to complete things solely on my bipolar II disorder or any of my other mental health issues. I believes it all boils down to me as a person and what I choose to do and finish and even give up on.

I know I’ve gotten slightly off topic here but bare with me, this tends to happen with my more personal blogs.

The point of all of that or this is to simply express how royally lost and confused on who I am or whom I’m supposed to be. Probably have been this confused all my life. There isn’t much research or reasoning in this one. Just the unfiltered thoughts of a lost soul, trying to find it’s way. Not sure if anyone will be able to relate to this one or get any thing to take away from it. If anything: be who you want to be from the beginning, never lose yourself.

Cut me some slack tho. It’s Monday ha ha. Nevertheless, I appreciate you coming back and reading what I have to say even if its not informal or educational. Maybe , hopefully tomorrow will be better.

-K

This is What Dying Feels Like

TW : Overdose, Opioids, Addiction

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My chest is sore right where my heart is and believe me it is very heavy.

I can’t say much because I don’t remember much. I contemplated if I should post this blog in real time or if ever. I can be honest withy readers that’s normally not a problem. I can even be more honest with complete strangers. It’s myself I can seem to be honest , brutally honest , on a regular basis. We all know once you put something online it never really goes away. That’s a chance I am willing to take in hopes that this blog can help at least one person see the light at the end of the tunnel. Choose themselves, their life; over addiction. Because all too quickly that choice can be made for you, permanently.

It’s no secret that I battle with addiction and struggling to maintain my recovery. Not to mention it’s been less than 2 weeks since I started working again. Less than a week since I restarted my blog. Less than 3 days since I had some type of structure in my life again. That’s all it takes. A second, a fraction of a second.

24 hours again I was resting comfortably in my bed I believe after fighting off a trigger with the help of a sudden rain storm. Eating a hot sandwich from Wawa because I finally had some cash in my pocket. Early yesterday I got a load of laundry done. Fresh towels, sheets, drawers and socks has always done wonders for my mental health and it a small niche in my self-care belt for the day. I had my oral surgery and now had one less tooth early that afternoon and filled my prescriptions as soon as I got back in town. Thats when I got rained on. A little or a lot rather soaking wet. Talk about should have quit while ahead.

It all happened so fast. One minute I was enjoying what I thought to be a great high the next I awoke to being strapped to a hospital gurnee. In utter confusion. Distraught, self loathing and embarrassed. Those were the first emotions that came to mind as the EMTs informed me that I had overdosed. My next thoughts were who the hospital may have contacted and where were my keys and my cell phone.

After a very emotional moment I gradually pulled it together answered most of nurses and doctors questions. I had a few of my own as they strapped readers to my heart and lungs and the tip of my index finger. Figuring out how I could cally missing self phone only came second to me asking what individuals rescued me and saved my life. If I didn’t know the definition of gratitude I certainly felt it with every atom of my being at that point.

I guess death or being brought from it would do that to anyone.

I don’t want to die.

I was discharged from the hospital about 3 hours later but not before being seen a specialist from OORP and another 2 women to help me create a plan to seek treatment. One whom is now my sponsor for the next 8 weeks. All things considered my vitals were normal I think, a lot of this morning is very spotty and hazy. Including memory of what I did most of the morning, even before I woke up in the hospital.

Funny how a few days ago I was putting off so many things I needed to do for my recovery and pertinent for my sobriety. Ha ha well I’ve official readjusted my priorities because I cannot stress enough that I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. An addiction to hard drugs can kill you and will kill you.

I’m struggling to keep my eyes opened I’ve nodded off in between paragraphs several times. Ive been fighting my sleep ever since I got home. I dozed off a few times in between visitors at the hospital I felt safe you know since I was in a already in a hospital hooked up monitors. In reality I am kind of scared to fall into a deep sleep. The last sleep I thought I was getting was my heart stoping and me slowly fading from life. I live alone there is no one to rescue me. I don’t want to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t want to die.

Today is day Zero. I’m tired of throwing my life away. Yesterday was my wake up call and I’m 98% sure I won’t get another mulligan at life. I have some things I still want to do before I kick the bucket and overdosing and dying alone in New Jersey isn’t one of them.

If I may leave my readers with something wether you are struggling with anything or your life is right where you think you want it to be: never settle for that. Always work to improve your life. Never lose that fire for life and never give up.

I haven’t the mental strength right now to proofread it so let’s just hope my words make enough sense that the blog collective makes sense or you can at least make it make sense.

😉 still got the blog done on time or at least within a 30min grace period. With everything that’s happened and how I physically and mentally feel; I must give myself a standing ovation.

If you’ve made it this for. Thanks for reading this one, I don’t think I’ve ever had to issue a trigger warning for anything that’s come out of my skull. But just like overdosing apparently there’s a first (and last) time for anything.

-K

10/29/2020..

Title is when blog was actually written..

So it’s 2 days before all hallows eve and believe it or not but this blog is coming out of thin air. The last almost 2 months worth of blogs were prewritten quite some time ago. A little at a time and then all at once and then nothing.

Hindsight is still 20/20, check. Looking back now I can see how I manifest so many things in my blog without intentionally meaning to. No need to get into detail because as far as the regular scheduled programming you are most likely expecting some type of update or big announcement of some new project. Well returning readers have I got some news for you. And if you are a new subscriber hold on to you seats!

At this point my life feels as it was on pause. Addiction can and will really steal your time , waste and destroy your life. Looking back as I’d there was another person living my life and that couldn’t have been me. Oh but it was and it is NO LONGER. Grow and evolve. I told a lot of lives, broke a lot of promises, made a lot of regrets. So in a nutshell my blogs rolled out 3x a week on auto post while I quietly lost the battle with addiction.

I am proud to say that I did not lose the war. Tomorrow I will be an entire week clean. I changed me environment, my mindset and my goals & so far so good. Still taking it one day at a time. I have made more mistakes than I would ever wish to admit and hurt people I may never deserve complete forgiveness from. After all of that self destruction the Kris that rose from the ashes is a lot stronger and wiser, I am an author to my own story.

An update in one sentence: My bully and I now live in NYC with a support system and attend meetings regularly.

A statement I tell myself every day is “Never Give Up”.

I’ll try my best to keep the blows flowing on time maybe not the same times but still two times a week. Enjoy your weekend and follow my son on youtube

Self Esteem & Motivation

Welcome back readers. Getting a little personal with this post. It is necessary for the post to come. I thought on it for almost 5 minutes, and this subtle explanation was what I came up. The new subscribers might not notice that I have been off schedule for a little over 2 weeks. The veterans probably aren’t surprised in the least. With the title in mind I struggle with one of those character traits, can you guess which one?

All above is honestly the correct answer. In my opinion I think they go hand in hand for a lot of different reasons. Motivation can be hard to find if you lack self esteem and being able to believe in yourself. Having self esteem is super awesome but if you have no motivation to push your awesomeness into doing something great, do you really have esteem in your self? Not sure it that made a whole lot of sense but if you get it then we are on the same wavelength my friend and we can vibe, you should stick around.

For the sake of this writing(and my pride) we are going to talk about the lack of motivation I’ve had almost all my life I suppose. Suffering from bipolar depression having healthy motivation and not hypo mania can some times be a difficult thing to grasps. Also I’m lazy and I’m stupid and I pull other people into my lazy stupid bullshit (for the Rick and Morty fans). In reality however I do have quite a track record of not finishing or seeing things through. I can read a list full, might be a 2 part blog. But if I’ve learned anything in recovery it’s not to beat yourself up. So instead let’s read off the things I did finish. High school. Military. Trade school.

I digress the list of incompletes is longer but that gives me a longer list that I can turn into completions. There’s several underlying reason that my level of motivation can go from a 10 to a 0 quick. All little things that I will improve over time. I’ve talked about a lot of them on this platform. My almost inability to make hard decisions. My distorted black and white thinking. Of course my “ADHD” and my problems with staying focused on a single task to begin with. I seem to get comfortable in my stagnancy all to quickly and easily.

Self esteem was in the title so let’s not leave it out. Like many Americans I am not in the best of shape especially for a 30year old veteran. There’s time where I desperately need a hair cut, laundry day outfits etc. I would like to think my self esteem is about where it should be on an average basis. I might not be a 10 in some eyes but I think overall in anyone’s book I’m a 6-7 on a good day.

So obviously if I could find motivation to complete anything from small daily tasks to bigger monthly and yearly goals my life would start to form some direction and having constant motivation will become second nature. I really said all this to somewhat explain my disappearances with my blog post and other platforms(not Facebook tho, fuck that guy. Facebook can go eat a dick). Trust me there is a lot of drafts over here I just can’t ever seem to “find the time”

Bare with me… This is an ongoing issue we are working on. Good thing it’s Friday…

Coming Out of Retirement

To set rumors aside I did not contract the Corona virus. As per usual I abruptly took time off to get her myself and recharge; in doing so, I have evolved. So no, I am not the same person. Same man. Or have the same energy I once had before. I am more than proud to say that statement.

There is a lot I could not down in this blog but something is telling me that others (visitors and newbies) could use some insight.

Now if you know me personally of have been stumbling across my blogs about my more personal side then you know i stopped following organized religion long ago and in my early 20s I realized I was or wanted to be in touch with my spiritual side.

Well early May was the time I decided to put my money where my mouth was. Like most revelations of any kind it started off slow and for the most part unnoticed and then quickly, suddenly and finally all at once.

Slowly I came to care more about our planet as well as other animals and living creatures. The normal small steps one would take on a path to enlightenment I suppose. Recycling. Growing things from the earth. Putting things back into the earth. Caring. Loving. Growing. Because of my stubbornness and probably due to my strong headedness as a earth sign I had to be pushed into change. It took alot and it hurt… A lot. I realized where I was and where I could have been and it made me extremely thankful for the change and the pain. Hindsight is really 20/20 , always after the fact though. Which is it’s definition .

I’m not going to get into detail in exactly what happened. What I saw or what I had to go through here on my blog but I might do a podcast about it at some point. Just the moral of the story: stay woke.