Some people have cute smiles. Some people have cute personalities. Some people have cute bodies. You can see where I’m going with this.
I have way too many cute attributes. Especially as society expects a grown man of color to be portrayed as.
Now before you think I’m sucking my own dick let me explain I am no way in any form bragging on my cuteness. Honestly the shits not all it’s cracked up to be after age 5.
Just to emphasize; I went through an ugly duckling phase. Weirdly enough I was an adorable little girl then matured into this awkward prepubescent and then evolved in to this adolescent social butterfly.
Between the ages of 5 – 9 I was adorable my dimple would always get my way and my thick eyebrows and hyperjetic facial expressions got me out of almost anything.
As a child I always heard “you are so cute ” “oh wow she is so adorable” I’d give a little fake smile yada yada.
Fast forwarding here cause we are getting off track ; Now at almost 26 years old this “cute thing” does more harm then good in soooo many different ways. Yes of course I’m going to explain.
It’s is so hard to look my age. A simply task, taken for granted; that so many of you do naturally. It’s the 8th wonder of the world for me. I struggle from what style clothes I should wear. The way I wear my hair. Even the way I walk into a business or establishment. It’s a bother it is. And it’s rooted in the basic fact that I have a cute face. When you hear cute facial features your brain doesn’t necessarily think “man” now does it. So put a cute face on a individual the size of a teenager most likely in a Pokémon Tee plus the amount of facial hair (mainly peach fuzz) of a prepubescent male. You see a sweet innocent cute young man. In some instances I’ve gotten as young as 14 (Caucasian) an in the rare occasion besides when someone guesses my correct age I’ve only gotten as old as 24 on a good day. You know nice suit fresh shave pep in his step kinda days.
Damn this cute face.
Mistaken identity; believe it or not me being so often perceived as a cute little young boy I get mistaken as such like for real. I’ve gotten stopped for being “truant” at 11:30 on a school day. Getting carded while my young barely legal associates walk right on through. And yes even embarrassingly enough mistook for a son when I was a boyfriend. Issa boyfriend. More recently being hit on by girls that are barely half my age. That’s appalling and disturbing to say the least. Not to mention that 16 year olds are staring to look at attempt to act like grown women. But this hasn’t just happen. This has been going on for quite some time in my liddo ol life. Interesting story about my first age ain’t nothing but a number till ha ppl find out scare. But will save that for another day. Point is when you look young you like shift into a whole other age bracket. And that sucks when it’s like been there done that.
Not being taken seriously. One person has a pit bull as a watch dog , another person has a chihuahua as a watch dog. Which person to you think is getting robbed more ? Maybe an extreme analogy but stay with me. Because this cute attribute makes every day like stressful to some extent. Especially when a person like me is already wary of relationships with other humans. Nice guys finish last but cute guys never finished. When you suffer from a cute personality people often see you as docile calm and in no way a threat. And it’s not like a brightly color “oh that’s cute but that shit can fuck me up cause it’s probably poisonous”. Its like that kid that stalks a harmless butterfly because it’s “cute” and then squashes it because it’s in now way shape or form dangerous.
With that being said take into consideration that I am that cute little butterfly every day of my life.
So I ask you is being cute all that it’s cracked up to be
4 weeks on the gel and well.. things are very different..
Lately I’ve been going through these crazy hot flashes and night sweats. Its so aggravating. Luckily it seems to only bother me the most at night. During the day I have moments were it seems I can’t regulate my body temperature. I’m always hot.
Seems like within the last week my hair follicles on my face have really been getting the message, however it’s been mainly in patches on the underside of my cheeks. Weird place for a beard to start , eh. My baby stache has successfully hit the adolescent phase and I sometimes catch myself thinking I have a hair on my lip and it turns out to be “hair on my lip”. Yes that’s right my moustache is trying it’s little heart out to connect with the infantile goatee that is clinging to my chin for dear life. For the last week I have decided to broaden my horizons and ditched the idea of the chin strap and make my… 3rd (maybe) attempt at growing a beard. Also switched it up and let the burns grow as wide as they want which saves time shaving in the mirror at the crib and trips to the barber.
Speaking of hair … Yes , the shit is everywhere. Just when I thought the nature trail on my tummy could get any wider. But what’s most shocking about body hair growth on this HRT journey this time around is that I’m still growing new hair. I have hair on my chest and around my nipples; now that was new and unexpected to say the least.
Let’s not forget that this is still technically my 19th consecutive week in HRT..
A 4 month milestone that I haven’t achieved since my first time in HRT back in 2015.
So now I’m kind of treading in unfamiliar waters now.
My smell has changed a bit. Not the I’m musty or stink, I’ve just developed a musk different than what I’m used to. Even picked up a shirt and stiffed it once to see if u already wore it? Well it’s like that but I have to do a double shift. Not cause I stink but because the smell isn’t that familiar.
For the last 2 almost 3 weeks I have been moody and can sometimes feel that feeling that I explained a while back when me and testosterone first got aquatinted. It’s no where near uncontrollable, more so annoying that I’m having such angry feelings in the first place.
Let’s just hope I don’t turn into a bull elephant.
Weight gain (or lack thereof) was steady on the increase from weeks 1-5 if I remember correctly. I might have mentioned it in a previous blog. Starting at a measly 138lbs coming into therapy peaking at 153 and currently tapering off and struggling to stay above 150. Despite what the scales say I have never been more in love with my pecs, delts, lats, biceps ; my whole chest in general. I don’t believe it’s been this tone since high school.
Hopefully I can stick to some type of routine and put on a little more gains before the summer months.
Not to knock my other muscle groups that have also somehow improved tremendously, i.e. legs, back, torso etc.
I personally don’t hear much change in my voice but looking back at old videos of me speaking I think it would be safe to assume that some slight bass was added to my voice since December. But who knows and who cares.
Honestly I didn’t expect to see any changes until 6-8 months down the line especially now being on gel instead of injections. I definitely believe the topical Testosterone works just as well as intramuscular for me personally.
Maybe if I’m lucky I can finally look at least half my age for my birthday this year.
I’ll let you know how it turns out, see if I still recognize my self in 2 months.
Thanks for reading.
Facebook: Iman King
I know we don’t know each other. We actually just met. But I trust you. I have faith in you. Together we can make this year great. I believe that you will help me to become the man I always wanted to be. A person that the world will be grateful to have. The years before you took so much from me, yet taught me so much. But I know you will bring me so much and so much more. You will allow me to grow at my on pace and let me write my own chapters to our story. Teach me. Guide me. Mold me. 2017, I want you; no I need you, to make me better. I know I am a broken man asking for a hell of alot but I know together we can fix me. Just give me a chance.
Kristian Iman King
Sometimes you meet angels. They look like regular people. But something is different; their energy, their vibe. You can feel it. It warms your heart. Gives you a feeling of joy, hope; that the world maybe isnt that bad of a place. I love meeting angels. Especially since the world is lately in such a dark space, filled with so much evil & animosity. I have only been luck enough to meet about 4 angels that I know of. But each was a blessing in its own way. Even if it was only momentarily. As the years pass I see less & less people (myself included) excited or even in a good mood during the holidays. Yes, times are different. Yes, the world has gotten darker. Yes, the holidays are now more commercialized then ever. BUT take it for what its worth. Make the best of it & at the very least be grateful, thankful and joyful that you have lived through this year because sooo many others cannot say the same.
Taking a small writers hiatus for the holidays… So ill catch everyone up in January.
Merry/Happy whatever you celebrate!!!
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Also adding* ask.fm/inspiredtad for anonymous questions.
DAMNNNN testosterone back at it again with the bullshit!
Soo I refuse to believe that its the air that brought on this sore throat, yup I’m blaming it on our good friend testosterone. But in all seriousness its been a week since starting therapy & I have in the last 2 days have been suffering from a sore itchy throat. I can only describe it as feeling like I swallowed a thick peice of bread and its stuck behind my adam’s apple. Ugh.
Besides that I have had a temper flare up once that I ashamed of to say the least. In general I do find myself raising my voice more than usual & not (at the current moment) caring who I offend or hurt. This is completely different than how I am normally. This time I am being proactive about & being honest with myself knowing that I may have a (slight) problem controlling my temper.
Also my mood in general is VERY sporadic going from mania to depression and back again at random almost blink of the eye speed. Not fully blaming therapy for that because I was diagnosed as bipolar at a very young age, however I will point out that I dont believe the testosterone is helping; blah.
At least 3 of the last 7 days I found myself either taking off the top blanket in the middle of the or pulling off the covers completely. Ew I hate night sweats.
This morning during my morning leak I notice that my penis looked slightly different. Not bigger… Just different, fuller, maybe. Speaking of which, at least one day in the last week I have had an erection nearly all day; starting with morning wood and just never going away. Actually lately my penis has been extra sensitive & its cause some discomfort.
A few whiskers have been sprouting on my jawline but I dont think they are new per say just maybe a little more prominate & darker than before but that could be from finally shaving for the first time since the end of October not completely sure. Lately (within the last 5 months or so) I had experienced a constant spread of peach fuzz from my side burns across my cheeks and along my jawline, so I cant chalk that up to therapy either. Guess we’ll have to play the waiting game to get a clear guess at the cause of this whole “woolly mammoth” thing that I have going on.
Other than that I havent notice any significant changes, but then again I havent really been looking for any either.
7 days & 2 shots in is too soon to tell…
Thanks for dropping by & I hope everyone appreciates the increase in the amounts of blogs.
Till next time, peace & blessings
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So Ive been in this crazy new fast paced city for almost a month now & it has been an eye opener to say the least. I have learned sooo much about myself in these last 30 days. Things i thought I could never do on my own I’ve done. Things that bothered me that id never thought I’d have the confidence to speak up about I have. This has truely been a growth experience for me in every way possible; in every way imaginable. I cant really get into detail because its so much & I still cant quite put my finger on exactly what has happened or where the change and epiphany occured but stay tuned I should have it figured out before too long.
Just know if you have been following me since the beginning these blogs to come are from an entirely different man…
Just a little more than 48hrs into therapy and it feels like I’m already coming down with an oh so familiar throat cold. But with these artic new york temperatures it might be an actually cold, eh. Besides that I’ve felt an increase in energy (in a playful childish way) and this morning I woke up with “morning wood”. Still some tenderness near the shot site but that of course was expected since its been over a year for my last injection. Its not overly sore, painful or bothersome, and it actually could be a mind thing.
Had a random thought that this all could be a “mind thing” , like what if i was injected with a mere placebo; regardless of what the dr, script or actually vile said… Who really knows?..
My Dr didnt check my levels unfortunately before my first injection, which I was hoping for, I’ve been curious as to why since the winter started I’ve have this “woolly mammoth” thing going on with my face. But oh well, I’m assuming that she will draw blood and check my levels during my appointment next week.
So to the deets of everything and the jist of me returning to therapy. All of my blood work came back good minus the fact that my bad cholesterol is high and my good cholesterol is low. No big deal. My Dr just advised me to eat less greasy foods & do more cardio, blah.
I am currently on a weekly injection of .25. Seems kinda high for me, but the Dr is the one with the degree so for the time being im just gonna flow with it. If I’m not mistaken last time I was doing injections for therapy it was a biweekly dose of .25. Lets see how this goes..
On the mental side of things I’m slightly worried that going through therapy this time with this amount of testosterone will either bring on physical changes I’m not really keen on happening(anyways) too fast. Also on the backside of that even slightly less worried that it could cause extra testosterone in my body to turn into estrogen (rare cases but it happens). Overall however I have complete faith in my Dr and her knowledge & abilities, so yeah I’m gonna chill; kick my feet up and see what happens.
So now onto the changes…
Come on guys, its only been 2 days, ha ha.
But seriously even though I’m neither stupidly excited nor dreadfully fearfull I’ll make sure to keep my readers posted & try to keep up with all (if any) changes.
I appreciate all my readers; whether you drop by once in a while to catch up or if you’re subcribe to stay up to date in real time (*which by the way I sometimes blog days in advances before I actually post) with all my blogs. I know I dont many (if any) of you personally but it does mean quite alot to me knowing that some one some where is intrigued with me or my story enough to stop by and read my words. Yall are the real MVPs. 😃
Again like always, thanks for stopping by..
PS: If you have been looking for my vlogs on youtube, I havent forgot, I’m just waiting for my very special editor to free up some time cause I suck at editing (and recording). But hopefully I will have something up no later than the new year. Its the holidays; bear with me people…
Till next time ✌..
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Welp, today is finally here. I have a doctor appointment this afternoon to start horomone replacement therapy. A few weeks ago a had blood drawn for my labs. The regular check my levels, liver, blood count etc. So if everything comes back accordingly today I should be getting my script for testosterone.
Mentally speaking I am somewhat anxious just for the fact that therapy will bring on several changes mentally and physically. Glad I already know what to expect as far as body fat redistribution, mood swings, body masculinization, growth, body hair increase, body temperature and odor changes etc. But going into therapy this time knowing Im in it for the long haul has me uneasy.
If you have been following my blogs for quite sometime then you know that staying in therapy long term has been somewhat challenging. Usually discontinuing therapy was a result of either a lack of funds or a lack of desire, mostly the latter. Im not sure if I said this before but I’m not completely content with taking a bi weekly shot of testosterone or a daily dose of topical testosterone for the rest of my life. Not having a deep voice or a full beard would not make me dysphoric. I stand firm with my beliefs that it takes wayyyy more than that to be a man. So with that being said Im still not completely sold with taking testosterone for the rest of my life, however I will consider it & also set goals and a timeline to decide when/if I will discontinue therapy. I do no want to nor do I plan on being in therapy my entire life.
If you know me personally then you know I switch my mind like night and day & nothing personally is set it stone. So I guess if you really want to know how everything turns out you’ll have to follow my blogs/vlogs to stay up to date.
Thanks for sticking around this long
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Peace & blessings readers. Again I apologize for my tardiness. Handling the culture shock, my recent separation & the struggles of starting over has been leaving me too drained to blog, vlog or anything else for that matter. But I have made the decision to push through it all and keep fighting; which brings me here. Ha ha.
Sooooo where to start?…
Let’s start of with the level of cultural shock that I am experiencing from moving from the dirty south to the damn north pole. Weather. I am in total shock that my body has fought off developing any kind of cold. I did take the precaution and get a flu shot this winter. Yea yea I know I have no idea whats in the needle, but shit I’m miserable enough with the freezing temperatures & disrespectful ass wind chills. I dont want to speak too soon but I believe my immune system is handling the cold better than my body and attitude. Have you ever cussed the wind out? Moved to New York , I swear you will several times a day.
As far as interpersonal cultural shock it is entirely waayyyy too crowded out here. From the streets to public transportation. Ugh, people. Took me a few days and a lot of deep breaths but I’m not as anxious as I was when i first arrive 2 weeks ago. Still trying to understanding the. “Lingo”. “Deadass” “lit” “tight” but I’m coming around with the help of my translator. The amount of police (ops) out here was unnerving at first but now i feel a little more safe I suppose. Witnessing the ignorance in New Orleans go from a gesture to a slur to a fight to a shoot out, and then in New York seeing it rarely escalate to more than a simple shrug and a walk away… Well, woooowwww, is all I can say.
On a personally level my anxiety and bipolar symptoms are at an all time high but it’s ok because its teaching me to have more self control and at the least selfawarenes of my feelings and emotions. In good progress in a few days I will be sitting in a doctor’s office in the Bronx getting poked and proded in order to begin therapy again. Im excited and nervous but happy more than anything.
Do I feel homesick?..
Eh, at times I feel homesick & sometimes I feel really homesick. Usually when I need a translator for a normal conversation or when I get lost on the subway or when I have the urge to hear the beat. Its usually only for a moment because all the bright lights and hustle and bussle of the big city is a huge distraction from missing my past.
On a more deeper personal level (not going into details) I have learned sooo much about myself as far as what I want, what I dont want & how much it usually doesn’t matter. Working on all of that and growing everyday is proving to be a challenging journey with no particular destination but nevertheless I journey that is welcomed with open arms & one that has been long overdue.
Well, thats all for now; hopefully my next blog entry will be a little more structured. But then again with a guy like me, you never know. Till next time everyone.
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Peace & love everyone and welcome back to your scheduled programming.
Trying something new today.
An anonymous young transman asked me what were the do’s & don’ts of courting, dating etc, a transwoman.
So this made me think; why not blog about this topic, because I dont see as much real life advice on transcouples from either spectrum as I would like.
Now before I even get started…
For those of you who don’t know me, I want to make it perfectly clear these are just my opinions and some lack first hand experience.
And in no way am I saying that dating a transwoman is different than dating a onegender woman, because in the end they are both women.
However being transgender (mtf or ftm) comes with trials that a onegender person might have a hard time fully understanding. Also not saying that is a pro or a con.
On a personal level I havent a had an sexual relationship with a transwoman so I cant speak on that aspect of the question from personal experience.
But as a transgender identifying individual I would suggest always asking when in doubt because you never know what a specific person finds triggering.
I have been intimate before. Like in personal space, touchy kinda way. Meaning I’ve cuddled, spooned and occasionally groped. Again, if you dont how (or even if) a person likes their gentials to be touched or referred to, just ask.
“The more you know!”
Every woman is different. Just show her the same love & affection you would want in return.
But for the stuff the I can only imagine to be general since I havent really “been around” and dont want to generalize all women from a handful of my experiences.
Again my opinions & views..
Just like anyone in transistion there are level to this ish. Some women are at different stages, some take different paths etc.
Hopefully you arent just planning on jumping into bed with this woman before you get to know her.(but if you’re in to that cool im not here to judge) Small conversations getting to know her is always helpful & most women disclose the specs earlier on.
Realize this fellaz, just like we go through our struggle; peach fuzz days, painful long binding days, days were you’re just not feeling your skin suit, these beautiful ladies go through things too. Just be mindful of that.
I thought about puttin a list up to kind of compare and contrast but i refuse to put a trigger warning on my blog.. Ugh.
Annnnnd try not to get triggered….GO!!
Guys like us sometimes have issues with growing a thick “passable” beards, blame genetics.
*Girls like us sometimes have issues with hair bumps & cannot close shave everyday
Guys like us sometimes still have a menstrual cycle, in can be embarrassing especially around a partner.
*Girls like us sometimes have morning erections time to time, it can be embarrassing especially around a partner.
Binding for too long can be painful for guys like us, sometimes performing certain upper body movements hurts
*Tucking for too long can be painful for girls like us, sometimes sitting a certain way hurts.
([*] these statements are not quoted from any transwoman & are simply educated assumptions)
Like I said I personal cant give much detailed advice. But just treat her as you would want be treated.
Love is love.
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