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Just kidding everybody , happy hump day

So short and sweet and to the point. As the title reads I am doing some configuration and some load of some new schedules. And yes I know I have said before there so be some since of importance in setting aside an hour in the mornings to do my weekday daily blogs. This is still true. Over here we are going through some changes. Not just changes but upgrades.

Longer blogs, more researched topics, pictures, links and more open ended’s for my avid readers. So there is a lot of updates to be done here and I do have some spoilers for those of you that just can’t wait.

Spoiler Alert: starting vlogs, blog construction, podcast creation and my return to Twitter, resurrection on Instagram a total over haul and a complete reconstruction. Trust me everyone is going to like one thing with the new remodel.

Nothing is perfect, so that means there must be some kind of let down type of news. There’s going to be a brief hiatus from now until mid October. Consider it a fall break ready to prepare for all of the holidays and a final shit of a constipated year.

But good news sandwich; more good news on the bottom bun. For my wordpress followers, especially those that don’t follow me on any other platforms. WordPress has got with the time and also have a story feature that I’m going to keeping up with in my spare time. Maybe do some BTS stuff because my readers have been with me the longest and from the very beginning.

Hope everyone enjoyed the holidays and are ready to get back to your normal routine smoothly.

I’ll see yall around.

-K

Try Again Tuesdays

Good afternoon readers apologize for the tardiness. I have seem to be late a lot lately. There was a few days here and there that I miss one sometimes 2 post in a week. This is an excellent way to jump right into to the title “Try Again Tuesdays”. Also would like to mention you can try again any day of the week. Haha.

So yes I said I would take a week to myself last week prior and did just about the opposite of that. Then I said I would take the motivation from the weekend to push myself through the week on my own. Well I’m not calling try again Tuesday for nothing. Hence I am trying again and taking another swing at it.

I’ll admit that I am a chronic people pleaser and when someone I consider a friend pleads for my help it can outweigh prior engagements or promises I had with myself relatively quickly. Especially if it’s something as simple and spending some time or being there to listen.

With all that being said somethings I had planned on doing around the house yesterday have now been put on the list. My normal morning week day routine was slightly altered. Of course on the positive aspect to change. I wasn’t alone battling my own depressive symptoms. I was able to still make my psychiatrist appointment. Did a little bit of hobby studying. Ate a nutritious, hot, home cooked meal. Best of all I was able to help a friend and put a little light back into the world.

So today is a day I try again. Not that I failed yesterday. I regret nothing and don’t feel as if the ball was dropped at all. This morning may have actually been a little more action based self productive than most. I was able to call a physician. Pick up medication and eat a healthy breakfast. Normally it would be either nothing or a smoothie for breakfast maybe a power bar here and there. A quiet commute (normally when I get my blogging done). Then right into about 4hrs of sharing and self reflection with a dash of advice whilst at my IOP facility.

Already today has been a more proactive morning instead reactive on the way side trying to mentally prepare for the world. Yes thoughts become action. And an idle mind is the devil workshop. If I am thinking I want to be better I must act better. Every day do your best. Every day your best will change. Trying again doesn’t necessarily mean we failed the first time. Even after you’ve reached your personal best you try again to surpass it. Did you fail when attained a personal best? Tried for a new personal record? Failed to raise the bar of your previous personal best? The answer to all of these is no.

If you never try again you will never do better or achieve greater and in turn your not really moving forward. A stagnant best, with a best that’s yet to come. So if I leave you with anything today I want you all to know that whatever your best is today it can and will be a different best tomorrow. Strive each day to do better and you will achieve the best.

Thanks again for reading my words and I’ll see you back here tomorrow, hopefully tomorrow morning.

-K

One Small Step

Good morning my avid readers happy hump day. I woke up in pretty good spirits hope you all did the same. One day at a time, I’m getting my power back. So far I’ve regained it to the point that I’m not so fragile that every little thing someone says or does to me effect me or my mood so greatly. I want to take it one small step further and also calm my thoughts;fleeting and reoccurring, I don’t have to dwell on everything that crosses my mind. You don’t either.

Yesterday after nearly a week of rescheduling I help my friend move into their new apartment. It felt nice to help a friend and stick to my word. The physical work was good as well but I’ve had a bad back since childhood so I’m going to try and take it easy for the next few days.

I had a pretty important task I was supposed to accomplish yesterday but again I put my own goals second and may have missed an opportunity. I am staying positive about it, when one door closes, crack a window. Another job offer was presented to me yesterday evening as well. Good pay, great incentives and best of all it’s remote. So I took that job offer and I’m feeling pretty positive about it.

They stress in recovery not to overwhelm yourself and put your recovery first. Like don’t get into relationships, don’t overwork yourself; people, places and things etc. Everyone recovers differently and everyone’s recover story and journey is different. Things they tell you in rehab, IOP, sober living houses are all suggestions. The only thing you have to do is NOT pick up & NOT use. One day at a time.

I said about a month back that I was going to regain my hobbies, reignite my passions I need to take a step towards that goal and make it more than just a statement. I am no longer ashamed to say I need help. So I’ve taken a small in better my mental help and have decided to seek out a therapist. Within the next 2 weeks I should be paired up with a physician that fits my uniqueness.

We all have goals, dreams, hopes and it’s up to us make all of those things happen. It is perfectly normal to require help. As a species we share information, skills and ideas all the time to improve ourselves as individuals and for the greater good of humankind. It’s ok to be distracted even having to put certain things off briefly. But every day we must be productive, proactive and determined to strive for the things we want. Any step forward towards something you want no matter how big or small that step may be is a step in the right direction, always.

I hope I have at the very least inspired someone today. Lit a spark to a fire the thought was put out. If not I hope a have given someone the words or tools to inspire someone else.

As always, thanks for stopping by it’s so great to have you here. I will see you all bright and early tomorrow morning. ❤️

-K

Life in Recovery

Well, well, well. Look who has finally resurfaced. Hello all my readers old and new a like.

For those who don’t know this blog is over half a decade old and to be blunt the last 2 years have been filled with many, many fuck ups. My absence for the greater part has been due to depression, addiction and mental health. Like they say “the sun comes out after the rain eventually”.

It appears to be partly cloudy for the most part and still with a high chance of rain. I am steadily struggling with all of the fore mentioned issues but I am proud to say I have gotten a little bit stronger; especially over the past 6 months. Finding hobbies I thought I had lost and ones I never knew I would enjoy.

The biggest and most important goals for me now is my mental health and my recovery. They go together and effect each other so much so it’s important for me to stay focused on the both. Can’t have one without the other and if one fails the other is not far behind. As of now I am doing this all ont.owm, no professional help. Not sure if that’s exactly what’s best for me. So far I seem to be keeping it together.

I have loads of new topics and post to come and I will make it a point to post daily(minus weekends) and give good content for you all to read. To be fair and of course to keep you on the hook here are some things I will most likely be posting about in the upcoming weeks: Recovery. Physical health. Mental health. Gardening. Gaming. Cooking. Hair care. Humor. Fish husbandry. Research. Love/Relationships. Transitioning.

For those who keep up with me and/or have been here reading from the beginning I apologize of I had you worried. This hiatus I think was longer than any one in the past and with everything going on in my life and the world I’m sure some of you may has thought the worse. Well I’m alive and … Well, well. Put any rumors to rest of me being strung out, imprisoned or deceased.

I’ve lost a lot over the last year in my addiction and probably given even more away. Now I am desperately trying to not only pick up the pieces, put them back where they belong but keep them together and keep myself afloat. Learning to laugh at life. Love myself flaws and all. More importantly not take things so serious and realize life will always go on.

There’s so many mistakes in the past I wish I could undo but there’s even more mistakes I avoided making because I choose to grow and evolve from the older version of myself.

I look forward to posting for you all tomorrow and daily it will help me and I hope at some point one of my blogs can help one of you one day.

I would also like to take this time to reach out to anyone reading this; if you need a friend or just someone who cares enough to listen know that I am here. Until my fingers hit this keyboard again tomorrow, stay safe.

“Don’t let anyone take your happiness from you; not even for a moment.”

-K

Community Tank *Update

So it’s been over a month since I set up my “black water” tank and it’s not black water any more just a regular run of the mill 13gallon community tank, that could use a million upgrades. But all of the inhabitants of the tank are happy, healthy and even breeding! Of course I wanted to share more good news with all of the fish enthusiast out there.

A little bit of sad news. Due to the constant breeding of Aladdin and Misfit amongst other reasons, I’ve had to separate the pair. Aladdin now has a space all to his own, for now. I choose him instead of her because she could still be holding sperm and just waiting to drop another clutch. I’ve decided to just let the last clutches she laid on the top of the filter just be and hope those are the last ones. I started to think maybe removing the clutches were triggering her to lay another.

Still happy news, I’m sure he is fine on is own; he gets special attention and doesn’t have to share his food. So the community tank is doing better than I had original expected, minus the failed attempt at black water. Which I am convinced would have went as advertised, just not with a hang on the back filter. I’m going to be honest the last time I got a school of Cory’s I had at least half of the population die off over the course of 6 months so I was expecting to possible at least lose 1. Surprise there hasn’t been one casualty in the community tank. At least none that I seen, wink wink. Hope I’m not jinxing it.

The 24k Gold white cloud minnows haven’t spawned but they all seem to be healthy and active. Pepper seems to be the smallest of the bunch and didn’t seem to grow with Salt. He is also normally off to a corner instead of with the school, even during feeding. I’m not sure if it’s genetic or the little just needs more time to grow. He is a candidate to be housed separately if improvement doesn’t happen soon. After all, Pepper and Aladdin go way back.

So currently there is 2 clutches of Misfit’s eggs still hanging in the tank. Without any help from myself I’m curious to see what will happen. Haven’t noticed any changes in the color or appearance yet but Im trusting Misfit’s judgment that her clutch will be safe and hatch from the spot they were laid. If so, they will be an addition to the community tank. And if that happens the community tank will also have another addition. Because if you have breeding snails in your tank and you don’t want to get overrun you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. We’ll cross that bridge when it comes folks.

Another senior resident are the surviving ghost shrimp from the original 6pack or half dozen. They are alot bigger than when I first got them, of course but compared to the other shrimp I have these sometimes prey shrimp are pretty massive. Even holding their ground with the Cory’s during feeding. Which definately surprised me. I can’t tell for sure but I think the surviving 3 are 2 females and a male or vise versa, or I could be completely wrong. They are all healthy and very active and I think they enjoy the added denseness of the plants.

The rookie residents are the smallest things in the tank so far, wink wink. The amano shrimp and the 2 unidentified shrimp of the same species. Brownie hasn’t been seen in a few days so I don’t know if she is still buried or the baby shrimp are in tank taking their best chances at life. The moss balls are just about out of here so maybe when I remove them from the tank in the next few weeks I’ll see the shy little shrimp. I’m curious to see if these shrimp are single or crossbred with the amano shrimp.

Can’t forget about the plant life. Before I wasn’t sure of what species of aquatic plants I had but now I’m 90% sure I have figure 2 of the 3 out. My favorite and most grown in plant is Rotala Indica. Bright green leaves, fast growing and easily trimmed and replanted. I started off with about 8 stalks and now I’m pretty sure there’s over 2 dozen total plants. Looking amazing might I add. This is probably one of the most easiest freshwater plants to keep.

Second favorite plant is the Anacharis. It’s a little tricker when it comes to trimming and replanting because this plant will literally shoot out roots above old still working routes and I’ve found letting the trimmings float until you see roots works best for replanting. This is another plants you really can’t kill. It takes at least 2 weeks after a trim for the plants to recover from the shock but once they do growth is fast and bright green.

I must say I am proud of my community and look forward to watching it grow. Dont forget to change your water.

Stocks for Dummies

Hey readers, hope everyone enjoyed the holiday weekend that recently passed. Today I’m writing about something I know basically nothing about. Ok, so I wouldn’t say nothing, but I am definately not a broker or even close to a professional stock trader. I’m just a guy with a few extra dollars trying to squeeze a dollar out of a nickel. So in no way is this supposed to be trading advice or how to get into the stock market this is just me talking about my experiences.

I learned a little about stocks maybe in junior high but never paid much attention to it in my adult life. Now that I’m a year shy of the dirty 30 and the economy is basically gone to shit why not waste a dollar that’s drastically about to drop in value anyways. From what I can clearly recall the stock market is this big place where people are dressed in suits and constantly shouting “buy” “sell”. Not that I am an adult it does seem about the same. However awesome apps make it easy for even a simpleton like myself.

Given the times that we are in I wasn’t really sure what to invest in but if I can remember anything from school it’s “buy low, sell high”. I also was taught to buy realistically. With all of the things right now I’m not sure what’s realistic. But I do know what’s familiar and I do know what company’s I use on an average basis. And a lot of those companies were way outside of my budget. Next best things was to find something cheap and isn’t plummeting into the abyss with the soon to be recession. If it can happen to australia it can happen to america.

So what was my first stock? Well with only about $20 I was willing to lose in my first investment I went with what I know and what might make a turn around. I came across alot of companies that appear to be the on the rise through it all but still just above my budget cap at $80-$100ish a share. So I set my eye on the good ol wholesome company that already have proven tried and true to still be around and worth at least something. Basically if I can recall a company from the 90s and it’s still kicking even with a few dips in the market, I’ll out my faith in that. Even with a recent thumbs down from JP Morgan I went ahead and bought a few share in General Electric (GE).

So what do I do now? Nothing. You sit. You wait. You watch. And eventually you SELL. I figure with the share prices so low there’s almost a guarantee that I can make a few bucks at least. Or the bare minimum and break even. See, told you I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to make my money work for me. Why have all your money in a checking account collecting dust when it could be in a savings account collecting interest. You should never leave money on the table.

Just another added part to my morning routine. Check my investments in the stock market and hopes that one day soon I’ll make a profit. There’s a few higher budget share companies if anyone is interested and want to know what I think. Again I am not a stock broker or a professional. Just a guy with a few bucks trying to make a few more. Happy fall everyone, don’t forget to stop check out the changing leaves on a tree, it’s oddly satisfying.

Social Anxiety, but not in crowds?..

Hey readers welcome back, yes it seems like my post are again steady and on schedule, thanks again for sticking around. Now back to our regular schedule programming.

My paranoia has been at an all time high for the last 3 or 4 years and it has also brought my anxiety to an unhealthy level, causing me to be isolated and shut in. Now that I am in a program for mental health and I am doing group therapy. In discussions I have found that in a group setting I do not have as much social anxiety as I would in a one on one conversation.

Less anxiety is always good, and its comforting to know that I have made progress towards being less anxious and less isolated. The only problem is I don’t really know what to make of the progress. In my groups I get anxious thinking about responding because if I’m the one speaking at least 50% of the room is going to be looking at me. My level of intelligence helps a little because I know I am very well spoken and its not a worry that I am going to say something “stupid”. Once I get started I don’t have a problem talking and staying on point(most times) and get my ideas across to the rest of the room.

One on one conversations are of course more personal and I really still struggle with that, but hoping all these small stepping stones will help get me in the right direction. I have had to admit to myself that my self esteem has added to my anxiety and isolation. It was a tough pill to swallow but if I had the self esteem I had about a decade ago I don’t think I would have let my anxiety affect my life so much and cause me to be so isolated. Having anxiety and mental health issues misunderstood by the majority of the world did take a couple jabs at my self esteem as well.

As I seem to thrive in group settings it causes me to have a optimistic outlook on recovering from my anxiety and my learning to deal with my mental health issues in a more positive way. I haven’t quite figured out the correlation between social anxiety in large groups verses more personal settings BUT I do believe that this is the ground foundation of ultimately learning how to communicate in a healthy manner.

The best thing in all this progress is that with even the slightest bit less anxiety than I have been suffering from for so long seems to give me a boast in confidence.

Enjoy your weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday morning with something a little different 😉

I Always Knew, I’d be THAT guy

Grand rising Kings, Queens and those in between. Welcome back to my blog. Hopefully it will better than ever, and if you are new here; welcome all the same. For the newbies, you came right on time. Missed all the bullshit and got right to the good parts. Stick around until the next manic episode.

I enjoy laughing at my own expense… alot, why should other people be the only ones allowed to laugh at my pain.

I was always the one who said I would “never do this” “never become that” “never stand for that”. Never say never is a very good saying. More often times than not I ended up with my foot in my mouth. So far the only “never” thing that I can say is still intact is “I’ll never have kids” and I can’t say I haven’t had a few scares with all the wrong type of women might I add. All other “I never’s” came true, as if I had spoke them into existence.

I ended up with a nicotine addition, I got married young, I was in a loveless marriage, I got divorced, I found myself some where I didn’t want to be, I had a bad drug habit, got a really bad tattoo, be 30 and not know what I wanted to do, I allowed my mental disorders dictate my life; all things I always swore I would never let happen to me or I would never go through. And more recently “I would never willingly check myself into a Mental Health Facility/Program”. I am happy to say that last one came as a positive change in my life.

That is the main focus for this particular blog post, I may touch in debt a few of the other “I never’s” mentioned. Some of those even lead to positive lessons learned even if it took a while to realize that it was a lesson to be learned. It is not a 24hr program and I can still for the most part have a normal life outside of my program. It is mainly for structure and going to groups and relearning positive ways to deal with my mental disorders.

Anger management, dealing with PTSD and Men’s trauma are just a few of the groups that I attend regularly and I have seen a slight improvement. Even if it’s just small things like realizing when I have intrusive thought or I want to fall back into negative ways of handling and expressing my self. As well as learning constructive ways to deal with past trauma and stress and coming to terms with the fact that I allowed my mental illness to change my character as a person. Its like I have to find my true self and it is a handful of a journey.

Sometimes you do end up being that guy..

 

 

Sometimes people let you go…

And that is perfectly ok…

Well hello readers, it has been a rough 2 weeks but I believe I have pulled myself out of a hole I seem to have fell in quite some time ago. Not sure if I fell in, if I was coerced, pushed in, or lured in with empty promises. Either way I ended up down there and when I came to the conclusion I was in a hole I tried my best to reach for a helping hand to pull me out. That was a big mistake. Yes, sometimes you need help. Yes, somethings you can’t do all by yourself. But I implore you to try first. And if then if that doesn’t work try a few more times. Or at least try by yourself especially if you might be the slightest of a codependent person.

Or, that could just be me, idk…

Anyways, sometimes it pays to have an enemy and sometimes it pays to move toward a goal knowing that a you are totally on your own. Not necessarily does that enemy have to be physical or are you really on your own. Rebellion is like an extra sense or added strength or superpower. It pays off to be doubted. To be on your last strike. To have the world against. You should also know that that is not entirely true in order to still succeed and have faith in yourself and the outcome. It is a bittersweet concoction, almost a catch 22, a very thin line (such as the one between love and hate).

You don’t want to have an enemy within and yet you don’t want to have a direct enemy that you can or can physically/mentally attack you. Rather a “THEY”. They don’t want to see you succeed. They want to see you struggle. They want to see you fail. They say you’ll never make it. They say your ideas will never work. They say you’ll never find love. They say you’ll never be clean. They say you’ll always be angry. They say you always give up.

So how do you feel right now?

Kinda feel like FUCK “THEM” right? Like who are they? They don’t know me or control me or my destiny. And just like that you find motivation to prove them wrong. To achieve your goals no matter what THEY say or think. When actually “they” never existed it was only the manifestation of your doubts and the doubts that others have had about your situation, simply facts of life that you must overcome to achieve what you have set out to do in the first place.

Often young children throw tantrums or lash out at authority figures just simply because they can. No other reason expect to test the limits. We are taught as children that this is basically a character flaw. We should listen to authority. Respect our elders. Yada yada. Which in a lot of cases it is helpful, even protection so that we don’t make the same mistakes others have already done time and time over, but “You have to see it to believe it” & “You’ll never know until you try” are sayings that have substantial meaning in many different scenarios in life from childhood well until adult age.

As we get older we get complacent, stop asking why, stop going against the grain and start to fall into the swing of things and go with the motions, kinda with our lives on auto pilot avoiding anything new or uncharted and letting the limits of others ultimately become the limits for ourselves because of “popular beliefs”. I am definitely guilty of most of this, for a very long time. Just as long as I have held my own self back because of something “they” said is how hard I will push myself to break the barriers that I put up around myself by focusing on too much of what they said I couldn’t do or couldn’t achieve and readjusting my focus to know that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to and more importantly with out the help of them and what they say my limits are.

I hope that everyone slowly but surely finds the strength in themselves to be able to not only do anything you set your mind to but to also find motivation in the darkest hours where you find you may be defeated or unable to reach your goals. The point is to NEVER give up on yourself because no one else will ever be able to care about you(and your goals) as much as you do.                                                                                                                     -Iman

Hope this blog finds you well and laughs and love to you all. Thanks for stopping by.

Finally Seeking Professional Help

Well readers, I am taking a very big step this coming Monday…. I am going to seek professional help for my mental problems and drug abuse.  Abuse is in italic because I am not physical depended on any drugs but I do self medicate with drugs and I seek out drugs especially during manic and depressive phases even though I know its not healthy and its something I immediately regret. I am not ashamed of it as I have mentioned my battles in my blog and on my facebook lives (when I was on facebook anyways). But I never really sought out professional help or even really admitted that I need help and this a problem I can’t just solve with some magical self help book. Even though I have tried several times. I share a lot here on my blogs with my readers with out much of a filter but often time I was turning to facebook to just express my struggles. Usually through a random live that I would delete pretty soon after.

I guess I figure venting randomly on facebook and other platform was helping in some way but I was ignoring the fact that it wasn’t really helping and I was only becoming more and more isolated and just ignoring the underlying problem that I was really suffering from. I pretty sure if I am in fact diagnosed with PPD now I did it to myself by keeping so much and and basically holding a grudge with myself. I blamed my self when people I trusted let me down. And gradually no longer trusted myself to be able to really spot the difference of those that truly wanted to help me and the few people that was only looking out for themselves. But outward I just expressed it as all humans are trash and that everyone is naturally out to get me. Looking deeper into it all its all stemming from my incapability to really focus think things though and make good life choices. I have come to a point that I normalize all the self destructive thought and actions I was doing and because I was still pretty much still a functioning member of society. When in reality I was living in a town for almost 2 years and hadn’t gone further than a 5 block radius the entire time and I didn’t have proper identification for almost 3 years now.

This realization came after a very disturbing manic episodes that led me to hurting some one I deeply care about and deeply cares about me when all they were trying to do was help me not only realize I have a problem. Which is exactly what I have been running from and avoiding for quite some time now. My first breaking point when I should have sought out professional help was of course after my 2 separate suicide attempts that were either in the same week or definitely  within the same month, its hard to really recall but it was most like less than 2 weeks apart from one attempt to the other. At this point I can’t really remember which I did first; attempting to slit my wrist open or trying to overdose on pills. I don’t think I time frame or which came first is really that important or relevant. The second time was attempting to have a “death by cop” situation that ultimately landed me in jail for few days amongst other things. The 3rd time was a very apparently mental breakdown with severe depression. I originally was supposed to check myself into a mental health hospital but of course I backed out of that as well.

I realized I had given up on my self and having a happy life quite some time ago being completely honest I wouldn’t be surprised if it started somewhere in my childhood and got progressively worse as I aged and came to a boil once I reached to adulthood. And only continued to get worse my more I ignored it. Hence me now showing signs of paranoid personality disorder more recently. Even if this is going to a life long process; as in something I have to maintain for the rest of my life (which is something I always feared), I believe I care about myself enough now to try it and face the fact that I may be the sole cause of it progressing to such a state because I refused to acknowledge the problem for so many years.

I have so many conflicts thoughts in my head about almost everything its not really a shock to me that its taken me this long to do something about my issues. But I am extremely proud of my self for finally taking the first step in the right direction.

Again I appreciate the support from all of my readers, followers and visitors I am apologizing now because I not sure if this blog will be going on hiatus or for how long is it does but I will return at some point and hopefully come back stronger than ever, even in my blogs. As always thanks for reading.

This is Kristian Iman King, signing off for now…