Minding your OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS!!!!!

“If you don’t have something nice to say; don’t say anything at all… If it doesn’t concern you, it isn’t any of your concern… What ever happened to that?..”

I’m starting to find as I get older and mature my patience for people not minding their own business, and not shutting the fuck up is fleeting. Like that shit really grinds my gears. 

Sometimes even though an issue doesn’t directly involve you but you still have a valid part as an ally. For instance: Men considering themselves feminist. Directly indirectly involved. 

By all means stand up for what’s right. I’m referring to people speaking up on with negative opinions on things are aren’t directly affecting them.  Key word here being negative.

So many times on social media I come across people spewing hatred and negativity on situations that don’t involve them directly or indirectly. 

Don’t mind me, I’m just venting….

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Social anxiety/trust issues + Personal Relationships = ???

Excellent question..

To this very day still solving this equation. Here’s what I’ve found so far.

My social aniexty and my distrust in people go hand in hand. My trust issues cause out of place and what some would call outrageous thinking especially in social interactions and relationships. My thought process on how to deal with and understand other people and how they interact was skewed a long time ago.

…like a glass plate once it’s broken, even if you gather all the peices; it will never be the same.

It is a daily struggle and an ongoing battle for me personally but I have learned that not everyone is out to get me. For the most part. I still think unrealistic pessimistic outcomes in certain social interactions. But not as much as I have in the past.

One of my coping methods that seem to be working is thinking, “What’s the worst that could happen?”. It sounds like thinking like that would actually increase my aniexty. On the contrary it helps. I am an over-thinker, can’t really change that and working on the way I think is still being, well; worked on. So no matter how outrageous and non-likely whatever crazy outcomes my aniexty cause me to come up with I let them play out in my head.

Most of the time these thoughts are so farfetched I end up laughing at myself and realizing how ridiculous I am. Some more realistic thoughts however do require some soul searching. For example: a lot of times I find myself stressing about what people’s intentions are with me. So I map out exactly what’s the worst that could happen if they are in fact out to hurt me in some way. I pretty confident in my ability to protect myself both physical and mentally. So instead of just wondering I prepare. 

The downside to this is it takes a lot of brain power to manifest these thoughts without hurling myself into some kind of depression. I would compare it someone being scared of a rollercoaster. They watching rare videos of people in rollercoaster accidents. Then look up exactly how rollercoasters work, how to spot defects and faults on the tracks; fully understanding the end and outs of the coaster and mapping out all the possibilities that could actually happen should they decided to get on that ride.

“Now that I’m actually writing this… You know what, this will probably only work for my weirdness.”

So technically I’m still working on the answer to the equations above…. 

Β Losing my job a week before Christmas…

Hey readers, can’t say this blog will be any good news sorry…

But yes I did lose my job a week before Christmas πŸ˜₯…

The news totally came as a shock to me. I went through so many emotions in the matter of a few hours. My stress was at an all-time high and my confidence in myself was at a low it hadn’t seen in a while. 12 hours in I found myself still somewhat flabbergasted but had already began the stages of grief. 

“It really hurts man. I thought I’d be making prosthetics forever.”

It was hard copping with such a drastic and abrupt change in my everyday life; my way of living. Already having gone through several life altering events and having mental disorders I did what I could to fight off depression and not go down the ugly cold dark road. 

My termination was not yet public knowledge but due to my line of work I had to somewhat explain to customers why I would no longer be able to help them. That was probably one of the worst things about being fired. 

About 2 days in I found myself snapping back and on the job hunt again. It was still pretty tough getting out of bed and putting on clothes to go out into the world but it was even tougher looking myself in mirror and thinking about just giving up.

” I got fired. A week before Christmas. Through a text message. On my day off. ” , Now tell me that ain’t some shitty type of luck.

As always though I had some amazing black girl magic to help me pick my self off the ground and keep on pushing. My moms, my sister & of course my girlfriend. My recovery time was way less than alot of the life changing events I had been through in the past. Considering it’s severity I would say it’s a new record. And I owe it all to my support system of women who love me unconditionally.

So it’s only been a 2 days shy of a week since the whole ordeal and maybe it’s the holidays or just me mature and not being so angry all the time now but I am extremely optimistic about everything Iman.

Thanks for reading.

*Special thanks to all those who knew and reached out on more than one occasion to check on me, I really appreciated that πŸ’―

” Whose hiring ? “πŸ˜‚

Letter to my exes…

No , no don’t panic. This is not a petty blog..

Dear Ex,

What we had was special. At the time, I’m assuming; maybe not. That was then. This is me now. For whatever reason you didn’t make it to this chapter of my life; but that is neither here nor there now. I came to say that you taught me something. Wether it was a painful lesson or a bittersweet memory. No, you did not make me who I am today but you are forever part of my past. Something that can never be erased only learned from. However the promises I may have made, promises that I intended to keep; are no more. The past is the past for a reason. Irregardless to the facts and circumstances that lead you to becoming an Ex, I am grateful for all the learning experiences. And I am overjoyed to tell you that I am not the broken person you once knew… 

-I am Iman

I am a sensitive little b*tch..

No seriously…

Since I’ve transitioned and started living my truth I’ve allowed myself to really become in tune with my emotions and my feelings. Either that or I transformed into a sensitive little bitch πŸ™„πŸ˜‚

Being that I honestly don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks and having self awareness. Yes, I am more sensitive since I’ve transitioned.

It came on gradually after the initial breakdown my very first time in therapy but over time I noticed the shift little by little. I still have my dark humor but certain commercials or scenarios on TV had my eye all swelly and watery. And I don’t mean those deep ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing in the background with close ups of helpless abused animals. But regular paper towel kid helps dad clean up mess , gives big hug and BOOM !; here come the water works. Then it got to the point where I would randomly think of a happy memory give a little chuckle and all of a sudden I have happy tears on my sleeve. When people tell me something that a normal person would just go “aww” and go about their day I’m clairvoyantly in a pile of empathetic borrowed emotions on the floor.

Not once was I like “Men Don’t Cry.”

But I applauded myself for letting my guards down and for once in my adult life truely allowing myself to feel. Feel everything. Not just happy and sad but a wide range of emotions.

So eh, if I’m a sensitive little bitch so be it …

An eye opener… New Orleans??

My trip back home was emotional to say the least.. 

On top of dealing with something I thought would be years from now I had to deal with a lot of things I ran from last time I found myself in New Orleans.

Relationships, places, ideas, dreams, hoods…

All things I left behind in my city , or so I thought.

It was all so surreal seeing the apartment I called home with my wife and step kids. Family that I hadn’t seen since the beginning of my transition. Old neighbors & friends doing the same things they were doing almost 3 years ago. Shit was heavy man.

Then there was the missed connections.. people I thought would love to see me, seemed to do everything in their power to avoid me. Only a certain amount of moving hours in a day.. I missed links with people I really wish I hadn’t. Wasted time linking with those I really wish I hadn’t. 

But what was the most interesting thing over this weekend was random conversations I had with not only complete strangers en route and in town but the in depth conversations I had with some people that I never thought I would have. Outside looking in would appear to be minor things, trivial; but to me were monumental moments in my life that reflected the amazing amount of growth I’ve gone through as a person in just under 2 years.

My total travel time was about 8 hrs there and just below 12hrs on the return. *Including layovers and early arrivals at terminals.

I flew economy there and back with short layovers in Atlanta. Not sure what type of plane was from Syracuse to Atlanta and vise versa. But the 757 & 753 to and from New Orleans was the bees knees. Way to go Delta. 

I still prefer buses over flying , maybe one of these days I’ll take a train for the first time. Plane terminals are a lot easier to me. Maybe because most directions to your gate are pretty obvious and simple to read. Or that the fact there was someone I could re-ask what my gate number was almost every 10 ft. 

However as a TMOC , TSA was not so welcoming. Leaving out of New York wasn’t a problem. No extra searches , pat downs or luggage checks. Butttt coming out of New Orleans was the exact opposite. The workers stuck to their story that the extra “care” was because of my type of identification (which wasn’t a problem 4 days prior) but it still didn’t make me any less pissed about the 1st, 2nd or 3rd pat down. The old lady opening up both of my carry-ons or the wierd selfie stick looking device she ran over the edges of my Kindle.

I kept my cool till it was all over with, returned my vans to feet and stormed off to my gate which I made by the skin of my teeth…

All in all I call this an “eye opening” trip moreso than my previous adventures because it is rare that I get to return to a part of my past with fresh eyes. My reaction to almost everything has changed; from my mother’s passive aggressiveness, waiting on the RTA, certain areas of my city, the type of people I (used to) associate with, to way I receive people and they bullshit.

Yup I’ve changed.

The biggest thing that made it all worth while is people noticing the change in my vibe: “You don’t look all stressed” , “Seem to be alot more calm”, “Nothing pisses you off anymore” …

All things I needed to hear 😊 Things that are most certainly true 😎🀘

Be on the look out for my snapchat Vlog (tried something a little different) coming soon to my YouTube channel.

As always, thanks for reading folks and I appreciate your support πŸ€—

-Iman

#FlyHighGeraldineAUNTGERRYJones πŸ˜‡

Yup I changedΒ 

Most guys love to say, “Oh I’m the same person I was before I transitioned”…

πŸ€” Hooooowwww???

Lol j/k 🀣

No, seriously I was “that guy” for a while. Only recently have I come to terms b with the fact I am a whole different person. Like seriously, I’m an entirely different kind of man now. I mean that in the most brutally honest way with myself.

My whole attitude and outlooks on certain subjects have changed. It’s great to know I’m still evolving 😊. I had started to feel old and stagnant m looking back and hearing what the old me has done, said and felt; I have grown into a wiser, calmer more open minded and thoughtful man. 

I was an ignorant arrogant mofo not too long ago..

I speak different. I react different. I even think different now. 😊

I noticed as I evolved mentally I also began to grow physically. I started to stand up more up right my chest widened and got broader. I gained happy weight (but in muscle). Once I came to terms with the hereditary fact that I will most likely never be in the full Rick Ross beard gang. My baby goatee started to come through. Awee 😍 ” look at it, all barely connecting and shit”. Still gains for me. Some how me changing on the inside helped me change on the outside. Wowwww . 
✌️

Living with bipolar depression and anxiety.

 

Or should I say “battling” πŸ€”

Either way I have been “struggling” with this mental disorder as a child. Yes as a child πŸ˜”. Sadly this has been an ongoing battle for as long as I can remember.

It makes life difficult but not impossible…

Let me take you back as far as I can remember;

I was around 5 years old. I had recently been told I was adopted by my mother. As a bright kid I understood what that meant but also as a care free child it didn’t make much sense. I only knew one parent. My mom was my mother irregardless to anything.
Going through court appearances & learning to spell my new name was trying but it didn’t affect me that much (or so I thought).
After i turned 8 I became what was; at the time, “a rebellious child”. My mother started receiving phone calls from the school, I was misbehaving at home & just seemed to always be the one that “did it”… But to me I was just a kid.
So my mom did what most parents did for an over active hyper child in the 90s πŸ™„ took me to a therapist.
And just like that boom πŸ’₯ I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression. I didn’t grasp what that was at all. I knew in the mornings I had to take a pill and at lunch everyday at school I had to take my medicine.
I can’t recall feeling all that different on the antidepressants. But the meds for my attention disorder well they did a number on me. Mostly for the better because I was physically able to keep still with out feeling like I was going to explode. So I guess the did they job.
Skipping a few years into the future I’m approaching my 11 birthday and my favorite phrase and answer for everything was ” I don’t care” at first it was shrugged off my mother. However by Christmas my response to what do I want from was still “I don’t care”. Looking back at in now what i thought was just a phase was a sign to deeper mental problems that would reveal themselves later on in life. Because when the rebuttal to my phrase was “Well what do you care about?” I really didn’t have an honest answer.
So that went on for more than a year. That was my first time dealing with my depression; not knowing exactly what it was at the time. Then the following 2 years were extremely difficult. Experienced my mother having a break down at the lost of her mother, the lost and abandonment I felt during hurricane Katrina and ultimately the lost of my grandmother weakened my strength ever more so. It was during this time that I could be honest with myself that I had a problem. But I down played it a chalked it up to PTSD & not having a loving environment. I had ups and down over the next decade or so.
Fast forwarding to 23 years old when I realized that my depression can in fact be cropping. It was in this 6-8th month breakdown I had 2 suicide attempts, constantly went missing for days & wouldn’t leave the house for months at a time. That was the first time I really reached out for help, professional help. Needless to say I could have used it 4-5 years sooner, but better late than never.
Can’t say this story has a happy fairy tale ending because to this day my life is a struggle dealing with the lack of capability to control my thoughts & emotions all the time and that’s putting it nicely.
I had another breakdown that almost wound me up in psychiatric hospital at the age of 25.

My mental disorders do not define me nor what I can accomplish in life. The do make up a part of who I am but it is not the biggest nor most important part of me.

I am Strong. I am Determined. I am Resilient.

Mental disorders like bipolar depression, PTSD, anxiety, schizophrenia etc are serious issues in our community. They aren’t talked about and even less likely treated or monitored.

So if you have a friend , family or know someone that suffers from these or any mental condition or disorder please let them know you are there for them; sometimes that’s all we need.

Thanks for listening..
-Kristian Iman