Β Losing my job a week before Christmas…

Hey readers, can’t say this blog will be any good news sorry…

But yes I did lose my job a week before Christmas πŸ˜₯…

The news totally came as a shock to me. I went through so many emotions in the matter of a few hours. My stress was at an all-time high and my confidence in myself was at a low it hadn’t seen in a while. 12 hours in I found myself still somewhat flabbergasted but had already began the stages of grief. 

“It really hurts man. I thought I’d be making prosthetics forever.”

It was hard copping with such a drastic and abrupt change in my everyday life; my way of living. Already having gone through several life altering events and having mental disorders I did what I could to fight off depression and not go down the ugly cold dark road. 

My termination was not yet public knowledge but due to my line of work I had to somewhat explain to customers why I would no longer be able to help them. That was probably one of the worst things about being fired. 

About 2 days in I found myself snapping back and on the job hunt again. It was still pretty tough getting out of bed and putting on clothes to go out into the world but it was even tougher looking myself in mirror and thinking about just giving up.

” I got fired. A week before Christmas. Through a text message. On my day off. ” , Now tell me that ain’t some shitty type of luck.

As always though I had some amazing black girl magic to help me pick my self off the ground and keep on pushing. My moms, my sister & of course my girlfriend. My recovery time was way less than alot of the life changing events I had been through in the past. Considering it’s severity I would say it’s a new record. And I owe it all to my support system of women who love me unconditionally.

So it’s only been a 2 days shy of a week since the whole ordeal and maybe it’s the holidays or just me mature and not being so angry all the time now but I am extremely optimistic about everything Iman.

Thanks for reading.

*Special thanks to all those who knew and reached out on more than one occasion to check on me, I really appreciated that πŸ’―

” Whose hiring ? “πŸ˜‚

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I am a sensitive little b*tch..

No seriously…

Since I’ve transitioned and started living my truth I’ve allowed myself to really become in tune with my emotions and my feelings. Either that or I transformed into a sensitive little bitch πŸ™„πŸ˜‚

Being that I honestly don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks and having self awareness. Yes, I am more sensitive since I’ve transitioned.

It came on gradually after the initial breakdown my very first time in therapy but over time I noticed the shift little by little. I still have my dark humor but certain commercials or scenarios on TV had my eye all swelly and watery. And I don’t mean those deep ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing in the background with close ups of helpless abused animals. But regular paper towel kid helps dad clean up mess , gives big hug and BOOM !; here come the water works. Then it got to the point where I would randomly think of a happy memory give a little chuckle and all of a sudden I have happy tears on my sleeve. When people tell me something that a normal person would just go “aww” and go about their day I’m clairvoyantly in a pile of empathetic borrowed emotions on the floor.

Not once was I like “Men Don’t Cry.”

But I applauded myself for letting my guards down and for once in my adult life truely allowing myself to feel. Feel everything. Not just happy and sad but a wide range of emotions.

So eh, if I’m a sensitive little bitch so be it …

Let’s talk How do you feel about living stealth* #WhatsUpIman

First off, too each their ownπŸ˜‡βœŒοΈ…

And I’ve said this multiple times., Personally I am DADT (don’t ask don’t tell). 

I also understand when people live stealth for certain reasons like safety or comfort. Just like those who choose to live unapologetically out loud like advocates.

Same as those who choose to go through legal transition, therapy & SRS; you do and live how best suits your needs and what is important to you.

So I can say that this is going to be a lengthy blog because this is more of an opinion than actual facts.

“…Because there is no way that you can fuck up every day living so bad that you might die.”

However I will say this… Eventually,now that I’m older and “cis passing” way more than the first time I blogged about this subject; I can see me living more out loud then DADT. I have taken this into consideration not only with my recent career change which puts my face out there more than before in the queer community but also because I CAN live my truth. I’ve never been one to rub my trans status it someone said face or always bringing it up in conversation outside of context. But I am fortunate enough that I can live my truth safely and comfortablely. Which not alot of trans and queer people can say. Those that can seem to forget that someone’s , guilty as charge. So I do see myself living a little more outloud in the future 😎

-Iman

A year of houselessness..

 ’16-’17 was a tough yearπŸ™„

From being dead broke recently divorced and packing up what little life I had left and blindly moving to New York…

To battling homelessness, heartbreak, extreme social anxiety & a complete fear and paranoia that everyone was out to destroy me…

And finally relocating to a small town, starting a career at a job I love, being financially stable and falling in love…

From the end of 2016 to a year later in ending in late 2017 life seemed to throw just about every curve ball possible at me. 

It started going downhill in Spring of 2016 as I struggled to understand my transition and where I wanted my new life to go I watched my marriage fall apart and what I that was my life explode. Not to mention the affair and jail time the year prior still causing me an extreme amount of stress.

Between my confusion in my transition and basically having my life turned upside down I began wanting to run. Run away from my problems. Run away from my mistakes. Run away from myself. So I did. I started running, or at least trying. 

Found myself leaving my home renting a room in a area of town where know  one knew my name, closing off from the world, barely even seen by my roommates but I didn’t seem to be escaping from what ever I was running from. So I ran farther. I ended up it Texas. Houston I believe. Paying weekly in hotel rooms, doing temp work, doing an assortment of drugs & trying to forget who I was/I am.

Eventually I ran out of money and mental strength to deal with people. By this time I believe I started to slip into depression. I still felt my demons on my shoulders, like I hadn’t ran at all. So I figure if I’m going to be broke, homeless and depressed I might as well go back to where it all started. Plus Texas is fucking stupid.

So somehow up I ended back in New Orleans, Metairie to be technical. A young broken man on the verge of a self destructive path. Fortunately I was taken in by my gay mother that had adopted me a few years prior. She tried her best to help me stand but mentally I was a complete fucking mess. And seemed like the more she tried to help the more it reminded me that my life used to be so great and it was completely falling apart all around me and there was nothing I could do about it only made me worse.

I went from being at depression’s doorstep to being hurled through the front door. Shit was bad. I mean like REALLY bad. Almost ended up in a psych hospital..

*Takes bong rip

Reaching my breaking point and still wanting to run away from it all, when the opportunity came for me to be able to run away 13000 miles away I took it.

Packed what I had left which ended up being a army duffle bag and 2 book bags and headed to the Greyhound station. I had no money in my pockets but I know if I didn’t do this and let my soul fly I would never get better & I might never figure out what I wanted to be in life.

“…But Son, what makes you happy?..”

You can read my blogs from my 26hr Greyhound bus trip from New Orleans to New York in my “Road Trip” section of my blog. 😊

Of course with no money in my pockets and not knowing anyone in NYC I ended up in the shelter system for the first few months and then renting rooms and eventually back in the shelter system. Seemed like everything was still going wrong. Getting lost. Being Robbed. Freezing temperatures. Injured at work. Losing my wallet. Getting played. 

But I felt like I had some how found what I was running to. I thought I was running FROM my problems but I was actually running to my life. My new life. The life my soul was searching for. Even with all the shitty stuff that was still happening I was happy. I felt like I made a decision that made me happy. Of course it wasn’t all shits and giggles and sparkles at first or for the first 6 months. There was times I wanted to give up but I refuse to just go home where I had found what I almost died searching for. So I stuck it out and eventually….

Well, eventually…😎

My first holiday miracleΒ 

Yes I don’t really do holidays… Nor am I a Christian.. but, I do know around holiday time (November – December) most humans tend to get “jolly”; the holiday spirit if you will.

A few days after Thanksgiving. Also marking the 1 year mark from the first time I stepped foot on NYC soil… Err, um concrete.

So typical travel dysfunctional morning Iman type of Tuesday. Over sleeps, forgets to purchase ticket, gets lost in subway, can’t find gate etc.

This morning trying return home was as always planned out relatively easy and every goal seemed to be accomplishable. Nope. Of course not. Too easy.

One of my biggest pet peeves of traveling is waking up TOO early. Too early to get ready but too late to get comfy and fall back into a deep sleep. And of course this was the morning my brain and bladder picked to work in unison at an attempt to wake me up on the wrong side of the bed.

I combat both with pissing and pot. Ha ha. Made sure everything was packed and curled up back under my woman. Between the now relief of an empty bladder, the buzz of the bud and the warmth of my partner I found myself fighting a deep sleep quite a few times to say I was only laying down for an hour.

This particular bank card is known to give me headaches but today I was already prepared, or so I thought. Noted now, you probably shouldnt purchase a prepaid debit card with the expectation of being able to use it within the same hour πŸ™„. Rookie mistake. 

The nice people at Duane Read tried their best to get the inefficient card I have been struggling with for almost 3 months now to work. They even had to work some magic even involving a second register to get the card that I now have but probably still can’t use for the the next hour or so. Still, when I walked out the door I felt confident that everything was going to be alright.

Normally I know exactly where to find my gate since I have found my preferred provider for transportation back and forth from Ithaca to NYC. Oh yea but today I’m already off my game. I believe it took me 30-40 minutes to find my gate location. About halfway there I panicked when I realized that the card that I just put all of my cash on can’t be used for online purchases for 2 hours after reload. Or I’m assuming that’s why it wasn’t working. (Cause it works fine now just ordered from Solidarity Soaps)

So I’m in front of my departure gate frantically trying to re-re-re enter all this card information and time is ticking. It’s not looking good. “Error”, “Opps looks like we’re having trouble”, “try using a different card”. Now it’s 10 minutes till departure so I’m calling my boss to tell him there’s an issue, calling my friend to see if he can order my ticket, texting my woman to see if she’s still up. Just a freaking mess. 

The last person in lines goes through the gate so I approach the bus driver (mom’s always said the worse someone could do when you ask them a question is to say no). I explain to him my situation, or at least the relevant parts. My friend calls back “no dice man, tickets aren’t up anymore”. 
And then a holiday miracle happens… 
What’s understood doesn’t have to be explained. But I will say this next time you want to cuss out the employee because the don’t want to give you extra sauce, or angry with the cashier who won’t let you “slide with the 50Β’” , try to remember that is that individuals job, livelihood, income & the way the support themselves and their family. Don’t get upset because they didn’t want to risk it all for you… Just be grateful when you cross paths with an innocent soul who will…
-Iman

Thanks Guy πŸ˜ŽπŸ€—πŸ˜Š

An eye opener… New Orleans??

My trip back home was emotional to say the least.. 

On top of dealing with something I thought would be years from now I had to deal with a lot of things I ran from last time I found myself in New Orleans.

Relationships, places, ideas, dreams, hoods…

All things I left behind in my city , or so I thought.

It was all so surreal seeing the apartment I called home with my wife and step kids. Family that I hadn’t seen since the beginning of my transition. Old neighbors & friends doing the same things they were doing almost 3 years ago. Shit was heavy man.

Then there was the missed connections.. people I thought would love to see me, seemed to do everything in their power to avoid me. Only a certain amount of moving hours in a day.. I missed links with people I really wish I hadn’t. Wasted time linking with those I really wish I hadn’t. 

But what was the most interesting thing over this weekend was random conversations I had with not only complete strangers en route and in town but the in depth conversations I had with some people that I never thought I would have. Outside looking in would appear to be minor things, trivial; but to me were monumental moments in my life that reflected the amazing amount of growth I’ve gone through as a person in just under 2 years.

My total travel time was about 8 hrs there and just below 12hrs on the return. *Including layovers and early arrivals at terminals.

I flew economy there and back with short layovers in Atlanta. Not sure what type of plane was from Syracuse to Atlanta and vise versa. But the 757 & 753 to and from New Orleans was the bees knees. Way to go Delta. 

I still prefer buses over flying , maybe one of these days I’ll take a train for the first time. Plane terminals are a lot easier to me. Maybe because most directions to your gate are pretty obvious and simple to read. Or that the fact there was someone I could re-ask what my gate number was almost every 10 ft. 

However as a TMOC , TSA was not so welcoming. Leaving out of New York wasn’t a problem. No extra searches , pat downs or luggage checks. Butttt coming out of New Orleans was the exact opposite. The workers stuck to their story that the extra “care” was because of my type of identification (which wasn’t a problem 4 days prior) but it still didn’t make me any less pissed about the 1st, 2nd or 3rd pat down. The old lady opening up both of my carry-ons or the wierd selfie stick looking device she ran over the edges of my Kindle.

I kept my cool till it was all over with, returned my vans to feet and stormed off to my gate which I made by the skin of my teeth…

All in all I call this an “eye opening” trip moreso than my previous adventures because it is rare that I get to return to a part of my past with fresh eyes. My reaction to almost everything has changed; from my mother’s passive aggressiveness, waiting on the RTA, certain areas of my city, the type of people I (used to) associate with, to way I receive people and they bullshit.

Yup I’ve changed.

The biggest thing that made it all worth while is people noticing the change in my vibe: “You don’t look all stressed” , “Seem to be alot more calm”, “Nothing pisses you off anymore” …

All things I needed to hear 😊 Things that are most certainly true 😎🀘

Be on the look out for my snapchat Vlog (tried something a little different) coming soon to my YouTube channel.

As always, thanks for reading folks and I appreciate your support πŸ€—

-Iman

#FlyHighGeraldineAUNTGERRYJones πŸ˜‡

Yup I changedΒ 

Most guys love to say, “Oh I’m the same person I was before I transitioned”…

πŸ€” Hooooowwww???

Lol j/k 🀣

No, seriously I was “that guy” for a while. Only recently have I come to terms b with the fact I am a whole different person. Like seriously, I’m an entirely different kind of man now. I mean that in the most brutally honest way with myself.

My whole attitude and outlooks on certain subjects have changed. It’s great to know I’m still evolving 😊. I had started to feel old and stagnant m looking back and hearing what the old me has done, said and felt; I have grown into a wiser, calmer more open minded and thoughtful man. 

I was an ignorant arrogant mofo not too long ago..

I speak different. I react different. I even think different now. 😊

I noticed as I evolved mentally I also began to grow physically. I started to stand up more up right my chest widened and got broader. I gained happy weight (but in muscle). Once I came to terms with the hereditary fact that I will most likely never be in the full Rick Ross beard gang. My baby goatee started to come through. Awee 😍 ” look at it, all barely connecting and shit”. Still gains for me. Some how me changing on the inside helped me change on the outside. Wowwww . 
✌️

Lets talk HOW DO YOU STAY ON SCHEDULE ?*#WhatsUpIman

Hey readers welcome back to another written edition of  #WhatsUpIman
So today’s question was “How do you stay on schedule being super busy?”… πŸ€” I’m pretty sure this was a sarcastic question because I’m rarely on time to most things & I am often heavily over booked.

But the question was humorous in itself so I figured why not share my secrets ha ha.

So recently I have gone from doing basically nothing besides smoking pot and making memories to working 50hrs a week Mon-Sat and traveling every weekend. Still making adjustments but this new Moto Android phone already equipped with this nifty Google Assistant is basically keeping my life from complete unruly chaos as far as scheduling, tasks & reminders and also has all these cool tips that I’m still learning. I am learning her and she is proving to be quite predictive and seems to be learning alot of my patterns and habits…. Guess that’s what they mean by “Smart Phone”

Eventually I may upgrade to an actual PDA but most likely I will just go with some type of Echo or Alexa or other voice operated device of that sort.

So this is a 2 for 1 blog…😊✊

I am also going to do a mini (written only) review on the Google Assistant feature.

Not really sure how to rate an “app” but here’s a little of my experiences vs expections…

So when I first purchased my phone and realized that it was equipped with GA I was slightly intrigued because the prompts were simple and easy to follow. I am also a big fan of anything voice commanded. 

GA seems to be compatible with just about everything I install on my phone so I’m assuming is moreso the phone which pretty cool. It goes beyond the “okay Google” I was used to in previous phones. (It’s been at least 5-6 months since I have had a fully functional cell phone.

I was expecting GA to just be another preloaded system on my phone I was going to have to bare with until I figured how to uninstall it.

My experience with GA was weird at first with random but not so random weather updates and live traffic notifications. But being able to basically ask GA anything & voice setting reminders are a life saver. 

The most useful part of GA for me is the calendar assistance. Awesome feature takes goals I have for myself like working out, editing videos, writing blogs, staying in touch with people etc and finds appropriate available times for me to accomplish said goals. Even better it becomes predictive and proactive about rearranging my schedule automatically.

The most interesting thing GA does to me is; since I travel quite often it combines pictures, videos, places been, people seem etc and puts cute little titles on it like “Weekend in Burlington” or “trip to Philly & Long island”.

Overall for a constantly overbooked and forgetful type guy this Google Assistant is a helpful hand; proven time and time over to be exactly what I need.

Oh and when I tell her thank you she responds with your welcome… You can’t even get that from some people nowadays.

Thanks for reading.

Failing at HRT, again x6 maybe 7..

πŸ™„πŸ™„

But this time it’s not totally my fault..

Ok, well maybe it is..πŸ€”

So as you know by now I have relocated to upstate NY which means I SHOULD switch my PCP to a new doctor and pharmacy in the area. And herein lies the problem; I had just found a doctor a liked. My original plan was to keep my same physician in the Bronx and just go once a month to refill my prescription and get blood work done. Then I started thinking, well that isn’t very smart. Which it still doesn’t seem to be. But I really rather not go through that aniexty of a new office, nurses and physician. So it may not be the smartest or cheapest way; but it is (what seems to be) the least stressful option.

Iman is a habitual procrastinator. Iman has problems making appointments. Iman has his priorities all mixed up..maybe..

So long story short I have yet to either switch to a new PCP or to see my old one and fill my prescription. So now am behind on my therapy…. Yet again. In my defense however; my stress & aniexty are still high from the move, new surrounds, new job, new everyday life. Not to mention working 6 days a week 50+ hrs & traveling every weekend, I have only had 1 or 2 chances to do either. We all know it takes me a few times to actually jump off the porch.

Lately I seem to have been doing better at adjusting and this should only be the only week I miss. Next weekend is self-care and I will be taking some down time to really recharge and relax. Life got overwhelming for a minute.

But I brought up this “fail” (again) at HRT because this time I do have a few changes to announce some good some bad. 

If you are up to date then you are aware that my dosage has changed again, this time amount and administration. Currently I am on .50 subcutaneous weekly injections in the fatty tissue of my belly.

So immediatly following the first week of the shot I experienced a 100% in my sex drive and overall physical stamina and endurance. Followed by a lost of appetite, which is weird because the actual amount of food I could consume in one sitting drastically increased.

Rounding my second weekly injections I starting experience “growing pains” in my muscles in my chest and upper back before I started my home work out routine.

After the first few days following my missed shot I started experiencing mood swings, a decrease in sex drive and an increase in appetite.

I don’t know exactly why third time in therapy it seems to be such drastic and apparent changes but I would like to assume that it’s because I switched from intramuscular to subcutaneous; I have absolutely no facts or proff of that, besides my gut feeling and know how my body normally reacts to therapy.

Hopefully this is the last missed shot and the last restart of HRT. With me, we can only hope for the best πŸ˜‚πŸ€ž

-Thanks for reading

Weekend Great Adventure!

Thank you Jersey, you were kind to me…

So yesterday I spent the entire day in New Jersey at Six Flags Great Adventure theme park. I haven’t been in soooo long but I over all did enjoy myself. I would do it again.

I didn’t get all the fancy pants details of all of the coasters I rode but I do recall getting on at least 13 different rides and went through 2 mazes.

Fun Fact. I seem to scream on the coasters with more breath than I actually have in my body. Meaning I do not get proper oxygen to may brain which can lead to fainting. I mean which did lead to fainting🀣. 

Yes, I passed out on the ride… On every ride.. the entire day…πŸ˜‚

Either from screaming to the top of my lungs or over straining to hold on for my life lead to unconsciousness on every ride but one. 

The ice breaker rollercoaster was “The Joker” ; and man did that one break the ice & shake some things up. I was the ride where I discovered that now at the age of 26 I pass out on rollercoasters. I thought with old age my brain and body could no longer handle the stress of a roller coaster and would shut down.

After the third or fourth 60% unconscious ride I figured that this is just going to be how it is. I didn’t back out on any coasters. And a had a ball for the parts I was awake on.

Of course like all amusement parks everything was over priced and I lost my overpriced free refill souvenir cup but hey just $15 , no big deal. I was able to keep up with my hat all day which was a pleasant surprise.

I opted to pay an additional $35 to be able to go in the 7 maze attractions within the park. I only had the patience to wait in line for to but the haunted house mazes were pretty awesome, I mean it wasn’t 13gates but hey it wasn’t half bad.

I allowed the carni part of the park to totally “carni” me out of a few 20s. I won a few small prizes but c’mon who really wins those human sized teddy bears at a carnival πŸ€”. I did try my luck but only ended up embarrassing myself in front of my last , ha ha typical.

Through it all ; with the overpriced Buffalo fries & cold drinks, outrageous wait times after 6pm & the crowds of people being stupid I had a good time. 

Next goal is Disney World…🀞

Stay tuned for my full video about my trip to Six Flags and my first time in New Jersey coming soon to my YouTube channel (Once I get my voice back πŸ˜‰πŸ€—)

Thanks for reading !!!