That 3hr layover in Atlanta nearly killed me ugh. But finally back on this highway, this is one long ass bus ride.
Having some time to think to myself
(ignoring the social media stalking from a VERY bitter ex wife) I had an epiphany. Before transitioning I really wasnt torn about my gender or sexuality. Now that I have learned the dynamics & aspects of society & its ridiculous cis gender binary I realize that I might be more fluid than I thought at first.
I know I gender wise fit the male spectrum ( I refuse to use the term “umbrella” , i hate it). I use male pronouns & I embrace my male privilege. But again, going back to compare to the gender binary. There is some “discrepancies”. Jajaja
I do have more feminine tendencies; such as talking with my hands, softer walk, fluctuation & inflection when I speak and I overall do have certaint flamboyant (also dislike using that word in this context) or “gay” personality. I dont force myself to completely to fit into the male spectrum & I embrace all my characteristics wether they are masc or femme.
Coming to terms with the fact that I do have femme qualities I started to really embrace and find myself. I dropped the whole heterosexual male act and really did some soul searching. My gender identity doest change; I am a male. However my gender personality is somewhat fluid. Sometimes Im in a masc space and attitude & sometimes I’m in a more femme mood. My gender itself is always and will always be male. Couldnt change that if I wanted do. (Clearly after 20+ years of crossdressing haha)
As far as embrancing my pansexuality I realize that I am more sexually attracted to femininity. Not necessarily female bodied individuals. So that of course takes me out the category heterosexuality, because I could be sexually attracted to a male bodied/masc person that gives femininity.
Embracing even further I find myself to be more completely attracted to people and not gender or femme or masc. So that also could leave a door open to be somewhat sexually attracted to a masc/male bodied indiviual that shows no feminity what so ever. If I first find attraction with them as a person.
Hmm so yup yup…
Guess i did learn somethin about myself on this long ass bus ride haha